…because I can’t

I’m not sure thinking is going to help much tonight. With the combination of being hungry, being tired, and feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of what’s currently at stake, I’m not even sure I could understand today’s life. I have worried and stressed so long now that I, by fault, define myself by it instead of occasionally letting it consume me. But the most ridiculous side of it is that I have gained nothing by letting it control my words, tone or actions. Such time exhaustion has alienated me from others, forced others to step back, and led to worthless conversations about right versus enough. Life is too short and the days are too long to continue living in the wake of one’s circumstances.

I sit here, on the edge of my bed, in the absolute quiet of the night. The air conditioner just clicked off and nothing but the occasional semi-truck rolling on down the nearby highway can be heard. Tonight, my family is split apart. Liz is currently in a hospital bed, in a fairly barren room, by herself, attempting to sleep through pain. Ever since Liz came home from the hospital last Saturday evening, I knew this day would come. I knew that her coming home would be temporary because all the issues had not been resolved. I don’t want to appear as a pessimist, but I know the signs to look for now. I know when she is right. And when she isn’t.

All week long, Liz has been getting gradually worse. And like usual, Friday hits, things get real bad, and its off to another emergency room she goes. Today, this afternoon, Liz was home alone. In an attempt to get to the bathroom…she passed out. She isn’t sure how long she laid there, but pretty sure she didn’t hit her head. The over all opinion of doctors and a pseudo-doctor (me) is that the blood clots in her left arm, left shoulder, and the left side of her neck caused a lack of blood flow to her brain when she got up and down she went. Tomorrow, some decisions will be made as to what and when. Liz’s latest hospital stay was the second longest. Praying that no more records be broken. My overall opinion…surgery as soon as its safe to do so.

The kids are with friends tonight. Hudson is doing great despite his broken arm. Logan continues to bounce back and forth from being seven to seventeen to twenty-seven. The girls are growing up too fast. Which means they are observing more, listening more, and are being affected by all of this more and more.

Today, in an effort to provide for my family, the job called for me to work thirteen hours. When all was said and down, I was the last one to leave the property. I locked the doors, turned off the lights, headed to the back parking lot. At one point, I was standing outside the delivery bays and I paused. All day today, I worked and worked hard. I was busy with doing something all day long. While waiting for the last customer to finish up with all the financing, I stepped outside to breathe. The rain had finally stopped, the sky had gone to night, and I just paused. The cell phone was inside on the desk, no one was anywhere around me, and I just leaned against one of the columns and watched the traffic flying up and down Interstate 75.

There I was, surrounded by life and cars and I was alone. A-lone. But He was there. My God was there. He didn’t talk to me. He didn’t put His big God-size arm around me. He watched the clouds above. He was just there. At that moment, neither one of us needed to say a dang thing. He was God and I was His. I wasn’t lonely, but I did feel low. Then, He did give me a God-sized nudge…This morning, Liz saw on my lower back that I had a bunch of scratches and scabs. I told her it was from where I had carried the heavy cross last Friday at the men’s retreat. While standing outside this evening, I reached around to rub my aching back and felt those scabs. It reminded me of how heavy my cross was last week. But then, He took it one step further. HE reminded me that as I walked, I kept getting lower to the ground. The further IIIIII walked with MMMYYYYY cross, the further steps I could take. Eventually, I was on the ground, on my knees, head buried in the grass, crying.

That day, and today, I was low. And He was there with me. Too often times, I get all stupid and try posturing myself as if to tell God that I have failed all the other times, but this time, this time I got it. God is so much more than a King. By example, He is the greatest servant that set foot on this ball of dirt we call life. He doesn’t issue rainchecks and He has no curfew. He lives for life and life is lived for Him. He is God above and Lord here. The end stops when He says so. Healing begins before the sickness. Answers are given before we knew to ask.

The stressors feel as if they are mounting. The pressure to do more is there. The desire to be better is constant.

The lamp is still on because as soon as it goes off…I’m just here. Too many nights of clock-watching and life-wondering. But, I will say this. My God responds to me. I am closer to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ now than I ever have been. Why? Because I recognize that He hasn’t forsaken me, forgotten me, and has forgiven me. I’ll never be right enough, good enough, or most definitely not smart enough to earn, deserve or buy His grace, mercy and love. Yet, here it is. In the midst of continued struggles, here it is. My God is a high-fiver, fist-bumper, and noggey-givin’ King. He is God above all. He should be feared for His strength is unmatched.

“God, tonight, be with all the Dixons, wherever all of us are. And be with the ones watchin’ over the ones you have put me in place to lead. You find our hearts to be ones of chase and not just haste. I love you.”

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One Response to “…because I can’t”

  1. NanaPops Says:

    Praying with and for you and all as we check on things on someone else’s computer after a day full of many types of challenges and blessings here. In the middle of it, colleagues made us aware that Liz had to go back to the hospital. The message above is a reminder of, and a witness to, so many things my heart and mind are more than full as Mom and I pray and talk, praise Him, and pray some more. Love, praise, prayers, thanksgiving and more prayers, MomDad

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