Let It Go, Set It Free, Be With Me

Tonight…I sit before the computer feeling conflicted. I feel stuck in the battle of crumbling at the cross or dancing in His glory. One moment to cry out and beat on my Lord’s chest and exclaim, “Enough is enough, God. Have you no mercy? Don’t you see my struggles and my turmoil?”, but give it thirty-six seconds and I’m looking at my life and wondering how I go so blessed.

I’m not at a crossroads, but rather, standing on the shoulder of life’s highway…trying to breathe. I see billboards like sticky notes dotting each side of the road, reminding me of everything I need to do, how I should act, who I need to call. The pink ones are the ones where I have screwed up, made the wrong choice, or hurt someone along the way. Those seem to out number the rest as of late.

Look, I KNOW my God. I have read His Word more in the last 3 to 4 months than I have my whole life. But life is so hard right now. There are times when I am lied to by myself that my God just doesn’t get it. There’s no way He would allow this to go on if He knew how I really felt. I stay on edge because the battle is waging. Lies. Costly lies. They cost me sleep, peace, patience, a loving spirit. I don’t understand the weight…well, I didn’t understand until this past Friday afternoon.

At a men’s retreat in Aquila, Texas this past weekend…I picked up a cross, barely, put it on my back and walked. My first thought was that of using it to understanding, partially, but Christ had done for me years and years ago. But with each agonizing step, the tone of my heart began to change. Physically, I began to break. These bones weren’t made for haulin’ much of anything. But, through the words of others and through Scripture I had read that was begin to ring loudly…He began to speak. He needed me to hear Him. He wanted me to know where I was. He wanted me to hear Him. And for awhile on that Friday evening, God let me have it. He may have even raised His voice at me for it was loud and clear. I actually tried to shut Him up. I wanted to explain my side and what I thought I needed and wanted. Looking back, I tried to debate God.

Once I finally conceded, He lowered His tone and spoke to me like I had never heard my God speak to me. He began to lighten my load by telling me everything He knew about my life. The setting was amazing. I went and found a set of bleachers to sit on and stare out at the sun. I couldn’t see. I was blinded by the setting ball of fire in the dark blue sky. I stopped thinking, feeling, wondering, sinking…I let my God warm my skin and touch my soul. My God had managed to shut down every thought that consumed me. I was no longer Donny, the guy that learned to hate mirrors. But rather, for a time, I truly saw myself as His. I belonged. He knew my name.

But now, I have got to find a way to stop using God as my addiction and instead, make Him my life. I can’t just escape. Life has hit back with a vengeance this week. In fact, its as heavy now than its ever been. People offer to help, I don’t even know where to start. A woman I didn’t even know called me the other day and began sharing part of her life story with me. She called offering help in any way possible with all that was going on…and she ended up crying on the phone, talking about where she had been and how she, through the grace of our God, had made it through a very rough time in her life.

Surgery is coming. Liz is home, but will have to have at least one, if not two more surgeries within the next month or so. Hudson broke his arm. Kids are about out of school. Job is still being learned. And a whole lot that feel to complicated to get into.

So, I’m coming home tonight from some friends’ house…all windows down, the sunroof open, no music playing, just me and the kids. And I wasn’t right. I’m was off. I wanted to be left alone. If I wasn’t so tired, I’d be out running right now instead of writing. I wanted to stop caring, thinking, spinning, running. God..just take this from me. Then, I got on here while the kids were showering. And it happened.

I go get my headphones, turned on Pandora, and my mouth fell wide open when the first song began to play…Tenth Avenue North’s song “Let It Go.” Please go Youtube this video, perhaps even the one with lyrics so that you know what is being said. He refused to leave me alone. I don’t wanna be Superman anymore. I am done with me. The me within has died. The dead self is nothing but a selfish, arrogant, annoyance of a carcass and should be burned so that all evidence of who I was can be gotten rid of. I can’t keep doing this. Life is too dog-gone heavy right now and what I don’t need is more lies. Trapped by snares and traps laid before me. Dark nights is home for the lonely, weary, and broken. A warm hug from a stranger can mean more than the empty words of a so-called friend. But by the lips of one that knows they are loved I know I too am loved by the one that gave Love its name and definition.

“God, this is how I see you. You hear the silent screams of the one that sits in church. You know the racing thoughts of the one that stands in line at the bank. You hurt for the man behind the desk that has his face in his hands. You love the panicked, the lost leader, the man stuck on cruise control, the woman raptured by her self-destructive words. But I don’t know how you’re going to work all this out. Between you and me, you and I see the whole picture…psyche. I have convinced myself I see what you see. If You can use such a man…there’s not a person you don’t want. Why are we so bent on keeping You at arm’s length…or further. At this point, I’m on my knees, sitting on my feet, slumped, scared, tired, worried, freaking out,…asking for forgiveness. I am sorry. I am sorry to so many for failing them. You’re more than a dance move. Plant me by your waters. Feed me more than food. And tomorrow, if my eyes are opened to a new day, may I treat it as such. Cleanse a man that is filthy, bless a man who is unworthy, and love…love me.”

That Friday night, after not a word was spoken by any man for hours through a vow of silence to hear from God…I ended that time with Him pleading with me…”Let It Go, Set It Free, Be With Me.”

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One Response to “Let It Go, Set It Free, Be With Me”

  1. Liz Dixon Says:

    Truly speechless babe! I have loved every post you have ever written…but this I cannot help but poor out tears. I am a wife that is so proud of the husband I married and everything you have overcome to get to this point. Wow, babe! Just, Wow!! I LOVE YOU, and I always will. Thank you for leading our family. I love you!!!!!!!!!!

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