Foggy Peephole

Heavy eyelids and pleasant conversation defined tonight’s visit with Liz. She is very tired. And in more pain than the last few days. Her chest really started hurting last night and her right arm continues to hurt more and more everyday. As of 9:15 this evening, the blood was in a safe zone. As of tonight, surgery is still set for Wednesday.

For more than six years now, hospital gowns, IV tubing, and eventually surgeries have filled our lives. And if it wasn’t Liz, it was Candice. Tired of being exhausted, heading to the car, and stopping to have a 10 minute conversation about all that was going on with Liz. Tonight, Dr. Cler and I discussed the dynamics of fluid around one’s heart, the relocation of pain, INR versus PTT, and then something more about blood flow and all. I got tired-head and thanked him for talking. But it just confirms…another hospital in which now doctors recognize me and call me by name.

I am finally figuring out that when you have no idea where God is taking you, just learn to live the life He has for you at the time. Sitting here tonight, I am trying my hardest to pull my thoughts together, but everytime I do, I begin trying to work some situation out in my head. It is a losing battle. Then all this becomes a matter of the heart and I begin feeling more than I think.

There are nights I think of going to the boys’ room and sleeping between their beds on the floor, just to be near somebody. I sleep, but wake up every few hours. Not to a sound nor am I rested, it’s because it’s too quiet. I have forgotten how to be still. If Jesus stood before me and hugged me, I’m not sure whether I would cry for hours or talk without breathing.

Sometimes I think I am battling against God. I feel as if He is between me and my destination. That I struggle just because He must be trying to teach me something. But I realized recently that God wants to be invited to the fight. Why let Him fight with me? But when He shows up, He’s not up for some tag-team event. He wants to fight for me. Then, I actually waste time trying to convince God that I have brought Styrofoam rubber-band shooter to a tank war and that He should consider letting me fight on the front lines.

Ever looked out your front door and either due to the weather or someone’s fingerprint, the peephole is all cloudy and fogged up? I think I might be looking in at the life God has for me through a smudged-up peephole. I’m not seeing everything. I can make out some things, but most of the picture is blurry. But I am further than I was…

I don’t need another e-mail from anyone making the statement, “I don’t know why God keeps letting your family suffer, Donny.” HEY! Look what He has done. My life is not some drug trial subject and the Lord is human breaking points and the newest Bible-reading, church-attending, God-babble pill. He HAS saved. He HAS healed. And one day, He won’t.

Look, I get that I talk about God a lot. I understand that no one hands their struggles to Him 100% of the time. And I will be the first to admit that I have questioned His reasoning in letting things happen. But when I sit in here at night and the silence have its moment, I know He is here. As I work through thoughts and consider the task at hand, He begins wiping away smudge marks, foggy spots, and fixes the lighting. The day has ended, but its purpose is unfolded. I’m not lost, confused, or content. I am concerned, full, and restless. I have to make an effort like never before to trust, follow, and listen. I want to run, fix, and meddle with everything.

Tomorrow is a big day for me. 7 days on the job and its my first day by myself, in my position, all day. In the morning, I need to take a moment, through the busyness of getting everyone ready for school. I need to hug each one and remind each one of how much I love them. I need to deal with insurance so Liz is taken care of. I need to deal with storage so they will stop calling. I need to continue to learn my job to be more affective at it. I need to better understand whats going on with Liz. I need to spend time with the kids, making sure I am supporting them and raising them in the best possible way. I know my source. I know what love means.

I’m gonna shutdown. Not sure I am getting anywhere right now. I feel as if I am working through my own thoughts. I need to sleep. I need to check the faces of five little peeps, turn all the lights off, and…….lay still. Alone. Its ok…Its ok to be alone tonight. I admitted something out loud tonight….this is all getting to be hard. But, “it’s going to be ok.”

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2 Responses to “Foggy Peephole”

  1. As foggy as it may seem you sure seem to see more than you realize. Love & prayers.

  2. Steve Boyett Says:

    Praying that you will sleep. Lord, please give them all the rest that they need

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