The Chicken That Crossed The Road

If you are going to read this particular post, I ask that you give me the courtesy of reading the whole thing. Where I start from is not necessarily where I am, but I want to talk out my journey. I want you to read the whole thing because I am more interested in the hope that is to come rather than the wrestling match I often times find myself in the middle of. Thank you.

I have been a lonely person for much of my life. Daily, I struggle with thoughts of self-worth and usefulness. And before the elitist jump too soon, I do know that it is Satan hard at work, getting me to turn my attention inner-ward, where the real self-destruction can begin.

I have never been the one in the group with money or looks or popularity. I  don’t have the sports skills, the brain skills, or the artistic skills to be number one at really anything. From age 15 on, I would love going trail-riding by myself because when you’re alone, you can be number one at whatever it is. Even if I did something stupid, no one was there to criticize me, make fun, or hound on some fault that I didn’t even know existed.

But I believe I remember the night it all changed. I was in college at Ouachita Baptist University; I was a sophomore. By choice, again, I was in my dorm room, alone, on another Friday night. I was so alone. I hadn’t been to church in about two months. I had maintained the arm’s-length approach so no one got all that close. On this particular night, it felt very dark around me.

My room was perfectly clean. Everything was in its place…except for me. I was restless. I paced. The only light that was on was the fluorescent light over the sink. I opened the door to the hallway and it was dark. Everyone on my hall was either out with friends or had gone home. I didn’t really have a home to go to. And I hadn’t made any friends that would miss me if I wasn’t out with them. I was failing myself, quickly. And although I felt very sad inside, I couldn’t even cry. I was empty.

I hadn’t really pushed God away, per say, but I never was in the habit of telling Him I needed Him. That night, He didn’t wait on me. That night, God pursued me. I didn’t see a bright light and the earth didn’t shake. But He did tell me He still loved me.

For awhile now, I have made people my mission field. My “going” is just to the next person. And sometimes, it takes some guts to say hello. But the joke goes “the chicken crossed the road, to get to the other side.” He wasn’t satisfied with where he was, so he went. I wasn’t satisfied with where my life WAS, so I went…to the other side. I left where “I” was comfortable to meet thsse who were willing to say “Hi” back. God is all for helping us live a life of purpose, but out of love, He allows us to make the first move of going.

But the chicken’s road is a two-way skyway. Sometimes I think we scurry back across to what we knew instead of learning the new spot. Call it drowning, spinning, hiding or whatever, but I think its easy to go back to the old self when life is heavy, scary, or feels like too much. Tonight, I am tired. And it’s not just a physical tired. I am cracking. Its Liz being in the hospital, her 8th night. Its 5 kids, it’s trying to give everyone who has offered a chance to help, its making sure I ask for help, its learning a brand new job and being expected to hit the ground running as soon as possible, its making sure that things stay in order at home and it’s needing to serve others through my church. God didn’t get me through that previous chapter in life just to feel better about myself. I know that I am free from that so that I might reach out to others, who may be in the same spot. It is not okay for my kids to never see me serving others and to put God and His work first.

It is not good enough to sit here and read some Scriptures on hope and love and yet, never give others the chance to experience it. It should never sit well with anyone to be saved from ourselves and not want to save another.

I am not real sure how to handle the next several days. I feel as if I am in a maze of mirrors and I keep looking myself in the face at each turn thinking, “failed again.” All the running back and forth across the road, this chicken is exhausted. This is the storm before the calm. This is life as a sinner before existence in Heaven.

Tomorrow’s coming. It’s in the locker room right now getting taped up. A UFC fighter has nothing on the type of blow that life can deliver. Physically, I do feel a little beat up. Emotionally, I sense the breaking down. Mentally, I feel forgetful as of late. …but Spiritually, the dynamic between God and I right now is very interesting. I have never been here with Him before. My God has become a friend and not just an authoritative Father. It’s the ole arm around the shoulder, walking together-approach. Hope isn’t something we are able to trick our minds into. Hope is reaching for a way out and knowing we have found the only answer.

He and I, we have some work to do. I am sort of in a freak out mode tonight. I sleep, but don’t rest. I eat, but am hungry two hours later. I pray, and then my switch is flipped 30 minutes later and I’m all upset over something silly. I read chapters at a time from different books of the Bible, but then am hit by some big issue and begin stressing. Yes, life has gotten to me as of late. But I am not alone, through others, He has more than made Himself known.

Its time to call it a day. I’ve never had a panic attack or been prescribed anti-anxiety medication. Tonight, as I try to slow down my breathing and heart-rate, as I attempt to turn the brain off letting today end and making tomorrow wait, I need to refocus on what I know to be true, live like I am changed, and seek others as I was sought. I pray I wake a new man…

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One Response to “The Chicken That Crossed The Road”

  1. Aunt Sherry Says:

    Dear sweet Donny, I can relate to exactly how you’re feeling about now! But you’re ‘doing’ what you should do…..turning to God and then turning back to Him again and again. That’s what He wants us to do…..realize that we can’t do it alone! You’re going thru some of the toughest times of your life, but you are NOT ALONE!! And God will see you thru. I do believe that Liz will be healed, but only God knows how long that may take. And He promises to be with you and to carry you and to encourage you! Your faith will be strenthened by all that’s happening!!! Just continue to PRAISE HIM for Who He is and that will help you to focus more on God and less on circumstances! How I pray for you….and for Liz…..for healing, for strength, for comfort, for peace…….for Jesus to touch your life in a way that He’s never done before! I love you, Donny, and will continue to pray every minute that I think of you and Liz thru-out the day. God bless and take care of you, Liz and the kiddos!!! Aunt Sherry

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