Now What?

“So, you wanna trust in God”, says Satan, as he flicks hot coals into the mix. I say I believe in God. I even go as far as saying I love Him and trust Him and believe that He is going to work out all things for my good because I love Him. But then I even screw that up. I live each day with an all out blitz on everything. It is hard for me to shut it off or even turn it down a notch or two. I annoy the heck out of friends and family with the constant “go” approach to everything. I have been given the green light to live and I’m punchin’ the gas.

Now, when things get rough and tough and my guts are tested, I will usually go one way or the other. Either I am going to jump on it with the attitude that my God is bigger than any god found here and I have already won. Or I find myself being defeated early on and it takes a bit from friends and the Word to get me going again. Bible-thumper, Bible-banger, Bible-pusher…whatever. Its legit. Its alive. And if most people would read it like a life manual rather than a stupid rule book, they might actually learn a thing or two. Because as of right now, it’s basically all I have. Smart, intelligent, studied doctors, who spend years working and studying one specific area can’t even give hope. There may be nothing else they know any better than this one particular area in medicine . And even still, their hope is hopeless.

Liz is being discharged this afternoon. Pain, dizziness, clots, numbness all still exist; but the two vascular surgeons “don’t think” anything will happen. I spoke to this doctor by phone. He said if he was in my shoes, he would be frustrated and concerned as I am. So then I asked him if he would seriously take his wife home, under these circumstances, on the chance that nothing happened. He said yes.

More than likely, nothing will happen. By the saving grace that is my God, nothing will happen. The doctor wants to wait to do anything. I strongly disagree, but then again, the world has been praying for Liz,and  thus, this is an answer. I want God to grow me and stretch me and change me and use  me? Here’s my shot. Here’s my chance to trust Him. To love Him. To know that He is in control. I can control what the kids eat for dinner or what time they go to bed or which pair of socks to wear. What happens when the situation arrives when I can’t control something? What happens when the circumstances require me to trust Him whole-heartedly? Am I going to be a leader or crumple during crunch time?

“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:24

God has proven Himself faithful to believe in and in whom I can follow. But He shouldn’t have to “earn” my faith and trust. He is God. And at this, I fail Him. Use this time to make me who I need to be. I want to be your’s. And in doing so, I have to know that you will provide in all ways, not just the ones too big for me. May I learn to give you the small ones. May control be a word used at the end of cruise and quality. You are not a God that does well with limitations. Why bother with some when you want it all?

Your pursuit is unending. Your forgiveness is unwavering. Your grace is unmatched. Your perfection is unattainable.

Thank you for being my God. Thank you for hearing the prayers of so many. Thank you for understanding tears and reaching out to the hurting. If life is big, I can’t imagine how heavy eternity feels.

I am not angry, but I feel like running. I am not sad, but I want to ponder. You have given me choice, and in turn, have given me love. Such a love, a love that you want in return, requires a yes. A yes to your saving grace. A yes to a Father’s love. But, what will I do with it? How will I treat others while living in it? Does my family see it? Do friends know it? Can strangers sense a difference?

What next? What now? I wait, I seek, I follow. I am here, Lord. I am here. I will never fail enough. I want the fist bump and a good game when I arrive. I want the hug that says I have made it. May you know my name when you see my face. Today isn’t about today. It’s about next. It’s about getting there.

Know this My God, I love you. Now, would You mind if I rode on your shoulders for a while?………


9 Responses to “Now What?”

  1. Cecilia Holland Says:

    My, what a legacy of faith you and Liz are leaving for your children and grandchildren! This post is annointed for sure….

  2. Reminds me of the chorus fron an old hymn entitled: “He Leadeth Me” where we sing…”He lead-eth me, He leadeth me, By His own hand He leadeth me: His faithful fol-l’wer I would be, For by His hand He leadeth me. You seem to be responding well to “Now what”, as so many of us pray with and for Liz, you and all. Love, praise, & prayers.

  3. Robin Pinkston Says:

    Donny- The IMB folks in the Western Mediterranean are praying for you and your family! Blessings, Robin Pinkston, Western Med Prayer Advocate

  4. Katrina Calloway Says:

    You are a “chip off the old block” I see your Dad/Mom in your words and actions. We are praying for you, Liz and the kids- specific prayers for specific situations – but as you know “Our God is an awesome God, He reigns upon His throne”. We can do all things through Him who strengthens us, somethings though you wonder if there is relief in sight and if that light at the end of the tunnel is another train. Hang tough in your fight and find strength in His love and mercy. You are covered in prayer here in Knoxville. Love ya.

  5. Edna Smith Says:

    Donny, I have read many of your blogs,emails; You are truly an amazing young man. God has given you a precious gift of being able to put down in words your true feelings for each trial life has thrown at you and your family and how through each one God gets the glory.. I know in my heart you are definitely, “a leader”.. Most of all I praise God for using you to prove without a doubt, OUR GOD IS TRULY AMAZING, we cant even to begin to understand HIS love for us. Keep telling your story, your deepest feelings. You are touching so many people with your life. Thank you and may God continue to bless and grow you.

  6. Donny: Penny and I are praying. We love you because we love your dad and mom so much. My Bible study group in Portugal are praying and the Pastors here in Calif are praying. When God’s people pray things happen. I wish I knew why some like Liz suffer when some seem to get a free ride from suffering. What we who have suffered do know is that trusting in God is the best way through it and well worth the journey. Keep on trusting God and do the best you are able. He’s dealt with weakness before (I know this personally) and his forgiveness and mercy are never ending.

    Ray and Penny in Calif formerly from Portugal

  7. Brenda Burkhead Says:

    You may not remember me, but I remember when you and my son, Chad, sat on my front porch and memorized all the books of the Bible together. You both were about 8 or 9 years old. I have been keeping up with your life through Jerry Webster and I wanted you to know that we here at Waddy Baptist have been praying for you and your family. I want to leave you with a verse that means a lot to me. John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” God Bless You and Liz and those precious babies!!! Love, your former neighbor

  8. Carol Ritter Says:

    Donny, You have so much on your plate but you still remain faithful to the one and true God. I am glad you don’t ask, “why me or why us?” as so many do. Instead, you keep on thanking Him and praising Him for all of the blessings he has given you. You are an inspiration to others, and I believe you will be greatly rewarded in heaven for your faithfulness.

    We are continuing to pray for you and your family as well as the other requests that come our way thru Jerry Webster. Love and blessings to all of the Dixon family, Carol Ritter

  9. Thanks, it’s usefully for me.

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