Skinny Dude In A Heavyweight Bout

Most people I know love mountaintop experiences. They love that exhilarating emotional high of feeling like they are on top of the world. Life feels better, smells sweeter, and appears clearer. There is a strong desire to want to camp at the summit. But why wouldn’t you want to come back down, with plans to get back there real soon, but with others that had never been there? Or for some, we live a life at the top, but don’t realize it because we’re walking in circles instead of being still.

Today was a rough day. Not real sure whether it was a valley low or just one of those slow days as I head back to my favorite peak. Liz is still in the hospital tonight. About half the time I talked to her today, she was crying. Her tears were out of agony due to the swelling and all the doctor had done during surgery.

I have never once questioned God’s call to be the father of quadruplets. I get to see His grace and mercy and most of all, His love, more than most people do. (Or at least, I choose to see it.) But this side of Heaven, I will never fully understand the point of such pain, discomfort, and displacement. The Bible talks about there being a lot of responsibility on the one that has been blessed…Well, I believe there is another side to that coin. Much is also required of the one who suffers greatly, of the one who gets slapped around by life for a while, of the one who is burdened. You see, its one thing for people to see how we act when we’re rollin’ on dubs, our house is on MTV Cribs, and there’s ice on our fingers. But what about the times when we’re getting sucker-punched at every turn. Are we gonna call upon that big, bad god of our’s? Do we give a quick thanks or go down on a bended knee in humility?

I have learned through the last few years not to challenge God. I would never call him out or throw up some lame attempt at scolding the Creator of the universe. But I do find myself wanting to be held. When I go down the list and consider where I find myself tonight; the weight of my world is heavy. My wife is in the hospital for the second night for the second time this year. I have a five year-old and four 4 year-olds. I am in a small apartment. I don’t have a paying job. I need to take care of an expensive parking ticket. Laundry needs to be folded and put away. A few more boxes need to be emptied. Pictures need to be put on the wall. Oil changed; tires rotated. See, most of these, by themselves are really no biggie and aren’t any different from anyone else’s life. But when piled into the same day or week, I just scrunch my toes and try not to fall off the edge.

Yes, I know…God has and will provide. (Of all people who has seen that first-hand…) Want to know what gets me every time? I picture God himself walking through the front door. (Wonder if He would knock or already knows He is welcome.) I imagine Him walking straight to me, not saying a single word, for He knows my every thought and emotion, and just holding me. Would I humble myself enough to cry into the shoulder of God? Can I let go of such a heavy life and let Him empty me; just to fill me back up again? It scares me to face such a caring God. He would look me straight in the heart…there would be a release of pure joy that is impossible to feel outside of His presence.

I am easily frustrated. I get upset over the stupidest things. I feel tired far too often, but I think I have figured out why. See, I am trying to do it all. I want to be Liz’s doctor and nurse, no matter the issue. I want to be the father that each child of mine needs. I want to bring home the big bucks and be that ultimate provider. I want to do have the energy to knock out all chores in one day. All of this, this self-imposed weight, is not what I am to be carrying. I have gone and replaced my cross with my life. Every few days, my mountaintop view is clouded by the rolling fog of self-doubt, selfishness, and control. When little kids get lost, they are told to stay still so someone can find them. Thank God He can find us no matter how far we wander.

Tonight, I am falling back on the verse Jeremiah 1:19 (I’ll let you look it up.)

God,…here I am.


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