Planes, Pains, and Medical Bills

Tonight,  I was driving home from some friends’ house. The highway was dark, except for the occasional headlights passing by. All five kids were sound asleep in their car seats. And the radio was on a local Christian station. Over the last two and a half weeks, there is a song that has absolutely rang true to me. The song is called “Hold My Heart” by ‘Tenth Avenue North.’ The words to this song fit this season in my life. I would encourage anyone and everyone to at least pull up the lyrics to this song and read them all the way through. The song itself is heart-reaching; if you allow it to be.

It is Sunday night and Liz has now been in the hospital 4 nights. She is not expected home until Tuesday, at the earliest. She is scheduled for a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow. This stint in the hospital is for several reasons. After Liz came home from the hospital last time, I didn’t like the way her stomach appeared. There was something very wrong. Now, I could spend the next 30 minutes ranting and raving about the lack of communication in general, but especially in the medical realm. But, as I have stated in a previous blog posts, I am trying my hardest, with God’s help, to overcome my instant reaction of anger. So, instead, I will say that I strongly encouraged Liz to go see a doctor. Last Wednesday, with pain and an overwhelming sense of “yuckiness” (and an unrelenting husband), she finally went to see the doctor.

Things went from bad to worse quickly. While at the doctor’s office, Liz passed out. Come to find out, she was severely dehydrated from stomach issues and couldn’t keep up with fluids. But over the last few days, through IV fluids, steroids and other medicines, Liz is/was on the mend. But today…she has been sleeping a lot. She sounds weak on the phone. They are doing the bone marrow biopsy because her white blood cell count is very low and staying there. They want to check all possible avenues so they aren’t possibly missing something that could be the cause of so many issues.

Now, I want you to hear this. I have talked before about how strong Liz is physically. I have blogged about how much pain she has endured and continues to endure, even on the good days. Let me bring you in on something. Liz is the strongest person I know emotionally. Most of her days in the hospital, Liz spends alone.  My point is that she has spent so much time away from her family. Life is and has to go on, while she continues to battle with so much. Please don’t stop praying for her. Pray for Liz; that she may physically be healed, if that is God’s plan for her life at this time. Pray that her spirit may be strengthened by God’s grace, mercy, and love. I want to say that I don’t know how she does it, but actually, I do.

Umm, I need to ask for prayer for myself. I feel myself slipping a little bit. For the first time in the last 4 to 5 months, I have this weak feeling. I feel fairly tired. And not the kind of tired that is taken care of in a day. I think I am struggling. For a little while now, I have been waking up with my heart racing, almost in a panic. The other night, while in Chicago, I had one of those moments where I woke up in the night and had no idea where I was. (Wonder how many people feel that way, even when awake?) I miss the simplicities of being about to go for a run. I don’t think it is a sense of feeling burdened. I have a group of guys that I know I can turn to when life gets heavy. What I am feeling is more an emotion of helplessness. And if I am being real and honest,………….(why is this so hard to say)…………I think this is where I am suppose to be. I think God wants me broken; completely void of self-accomplishments. I feel as if He is basically saying to me, “Donny, are you about ready for me to show you what I had in mind?”

I haven’t admitted this to anyone, but Friday night, I was so tired of sleeping by myself, that I got up and went and laid in the floor with my pillow in the boys’ room. I never actually went to sleep, but I just felt the need to hear someone  else breathing. (By the way, Hudson snores louder than Logan.) I am in a weird place right now. While at work, my job is all-consuming. When I have the kids, I am constantly counting skulls. When we go to see Liz, I have a bunch of questions about what is being done to make her well. I’m a top on a hardwood floor…

See, it’s not the storm itself that is bothering me. It’s the 39 days and 39 nights (cause God said He wouldn’t allow it to rain for 40.) People love the saying “it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but rather, the size of the fight in the dog.” I disagree. I think it’s about the people with the sharp sticks on the outside of the ring.

We’ll be closing on our house soon. Liz needs/wants to get out of the hospital soon. These days, I find myself leaning on so many people. And if people only knew the number of prayers of thanksgiving I have lifted up. I have so many people to be thankful for in my life.

So, I am going to try and sleep for a little while. I am tired of being anxious, scared, being pulled down, beat up, criticized, burdened, and frustrated. But all of those emotions are choices. I have been a Christian for 23 years. I am learning at the age of 30 how to follow the guidance of a God who, for all intents and purposes, is counter-cultural.

God, help me to better grasp and understand that you chose me long before I ever chose you…

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One Response to “Planes, Pains, and Medical Bills”

  1. Thanks for the update on the different areas. Praying for specifically for Liz and you. The physical, emotional and spiritual. Praying for the kids as well as doctors and nurses and His working. I reread and pray
    Philippians 4:4-9 for you both.

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