Numb Man Walking

I was driving home tonight after having played a coed softball game with some members of our church. The only thing keeping me company was the roar of the roadway, the sounds of the radio turned down low, and the soft glow of the dashboard in front of me. Behind me were 5 sleeping children. Some of them were snoring; some were slumped over in their booster seats and all had come so far in such a short amount of time. The song playing on the radio was talking about God’s plan for our lives. I can tell you that part of His plan for my life could be seen in that rearview mirror.

Liz is spending another night in the hospital. We found out early this morning that her blood was super thin. And now, we’re in the middle of the waiting game. Liz needs an IV, but can’t get one due to her veins being overused. She needs a central line, but can’t et one because her blood is too thin and she would run a high risk of bleeding out during the procedure. She needs medicines to get better. She needs a CT scan…and yet no one came to get her today.

I am so very tired of yelling. I am so tired of pushing. I can’t be everywhere. The way Liz is treated at every single hospital she has been to is absolutely absurd. God’s plan can be in place, but for it to work out, everyone involved has to make the choice to follow it. We should stop refering to it as “healthcare” and instead, call it “people treatment.” Maybe the ability to desensitize from their patients has caused medical personnel to forget that people’s lives are in the balance daily. So basically, only one thing got accomplished today and that was the shots of Vitamin K. This will help to thicken her blood. (But don’t forget, she already has two blood clots in her right leg and they are now giving her blood back the ability to clot.)

I am afraid to sleep because I feel like there is so much to be done. I am afraid to think because there is so much before me. I am afraid to pray because I am afraid that God will truly show His strength by giving me more. I am afraid of being alone when surrounded by true friends. I close my eyes and my life goes numb as I consider the abundance of blessings God has cared to share with me. I just feel like sometimes I am living with my heart at half-mast.

God’s punchline for my life is His unconditional love. Billions of people, including Christians, reject it anyways. Sometimes it hurts that He doesn’t answer my prayers immediately. I get weary waiting on His timing. But the real sucker-punch to the gut is that no matter the number of times I try and take back the steering wheel, He is still in charge of the gas pedal.

Look, I don’t know when all of this will end. I don’t know when Liz will be healthy from January 1 until December 31. I don’t know where we are headed next or what new battles we will face. But I will tell you this; if there was no God, if there was no Savior of ourselves, if there was no soul to be treasured then Liz would be dead and I wouldn’t know my children. You want to ask me how I know that prayer works; the Dixons are still 7 when it would make sense for there to be 1. God could show Himself to us by taking over the world, but there is no love in that.

God is not some Mayo Clinic. He doesn’t charge for His services. Nor does He stand waiting for a tip. His mercy is maddening, His forgiveness is endless, and is love is limitless. My body is surrendering to the stress. My heart is bowing up for the next blow. But my soul…well everyday is a party for him. Tomorrow will consists of another trip to the hospital. Another day when Logan, Hudson, Madison, Candice, and Samantha will witness their mother lying in another hospital bed. Logan will surely ask Liz , “What hurts, mommy?” The girls will hug their mommy as if they were begging her to come with us. And Hudson……………….Hudson will smile his most awesome smile that will melt his mother’s heart.

I refuse to wait until Thanksgiving Day to ponder how great my life truly is. Billionaires pay tons of money to try and match the moments of pure joy that I get to experience on a daily basis. Thank you, Lord, for the confusion, uncertainty, and exhaustion. May you get all the credit for prayers answered.

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5 Responses to “Numb Man Walking”

  1. Hey Donny….

    I totally understand your frustration with medical “professionals.” I told Liz… if you guys need me to fly out… to stay by herside and hound the doctors all day to get stuff done and questions answered. Let me know if you just need that. I am not one to sit back and wait… I stick to them until they get it done… Like you know… you have to at those places… so unfortunate! Love to you all!

  2. Liz Dixon Says:

    U inspire me babe! Thx for sharing your heart. It was so awesome to pull this up and read it tonight. It’s 3:18 in the morning and I’m thinking of you. I love you. Can’t wait to see you and the kids today! Xoxo!!!

  3. Ali Hirst Says:

    Hi Donny and Liz
    You are both Amazing and you are both Fighters. I hope and Pray that all goes well with the Central Line, and that the med. change doesn’t affect your blood clots Liz…Praying for you all as always. xxx

  4. Carolyn Johnson Says:

    Liz, I am adding you both to our church prayer chain and our Sunday School prayer warriors and the Men’s ministry prayer warriors TODAY!
    Love, cj

  5. Donny,
    My eyes are wet with tears and my heart is filled with awe with the realization of what type of man you have become. It is evident that God is holding you Liz & the babes in His hands, otherwise you would be crushed and lost by now.
    You are in our thoughts & prayers and you know that Buffat Heights is praying for you guys.
    I wish we could be there for you physically but please know that we’re here for you prayerfully.
    love you,
    Mama Kat

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