Throwing Pebbles At God’s Window

It seems that at night, suppressed thoughts love to come out and play. So often times, I find myself battling some sort of fear of the unknown. But then, as if it is some grand revelation, I realize that I have enough fear in the now. As a Christian, through the Bible and through the teaching of other Christians around me, I am told not to live by fear and to entrust everything to the Maker and Sustainer of the universe. I know, believe, and want to do just that. And thus far, the law of averages hasn’t affected God’s ability to provide.

Tonight, I am home alone, once again, with my children. Liz is back, laying in another hospital bed. She is suffering. Before she left for the doctor’s office this afternoon, when she would try to talk to me, it was as if she was crying deep within. Her voice was faint and weak. Her eyes appeared to be heavy. Her stomach was causing her a great deal of pain.

Over the next day or two, they will be running a battery of tests, scopes, and blood work to determine the cause of her current ailment. The last time she was in this hospital…she was in the middle of having a stroke. Liz, since the quads have been born, has now been admitted to a hospital close to 50 times. With all the IVs, procedures and surgeries that she has endured over that time span, Liz has developed a whole lot of scar tissue around her veins. This makes it nearly impossible to get the IVs started that she needs or at least some sort of blood access for any short period of time.

Man, what is this place?! This life of limbo. My life now consists of pleading with people to go to God on my family’s behalf. Anymore, when I get alone and try and talk to God, there is nothing…and therein lies the beauty of the God of love. When my chest starts to lift up and down and the tears of fatigue, frustration and fear begin to happen, I know that I am not alone. It’s as if He is telling me to let it out. He’s ok with me being mad at Him. Why? Because He is very aware of my circumstances. I dare not challenge Him for I know His strength. I dare not turn my back on Him for I need His provision. And I dare not question His love…for it is what sees me through.

God, I hurt. You know me. I don’t need answers tonight, God; just provision. I need you to be yourself tonight. I’m scared. There…there you have it God. There before you are hundreds of broken pieces of pottery. I don’t need your glue. There is no need for something similar to what was. I feel so burdened and yet Liz is the one hurting. Liz is the one needing an IV and medicine and physical repair…all because she said yes to you. But Calvary’s definition has nothing to do with being self-righteous.

Earlier, I went upstairs to tuck in Logan and Hudson and Madison and Candice and Samantha. Everyone was already in their separate beds, waiting on me to come kiss them goodnight. They were wanting to hear me tell them that their daddy loves them. Man, do I do that with God? Liz is in the hospital again. The kids are growing up and becoming such awesome little people. We’re selling our house. But am I waiting on God to tell me He loves me? Actions are one thing; words are another.

When I call out to God, the intensity of the calling is determined by the severity of my need. At one point I am Ty Pennington, yelling through a bull-horn and shouting our commands or wants, while the next moment, well, I’m throwing pebbles at God’s window, hoping to see a light come on behind the shades. I want Him to know that I am still here and still in need. I cried for the third time tonight while talking to Dad on the phone. I so loved putting “me” aside for a moment to pray over him and my mom.

The horizon will never get here. As far as I travel and as fast as I go, I’ll never reach it. So many people are trying to get to the edge; to their own tipping point. I’m slowing down for tonight. I’m tired. In the past, I would have downed three Mountain Dews by now, along with a bag of BBQ Lay’s and thoroughly enjoyed two Iced Honey Buns. Tonight, it’s a bottle of Great Value water from Wal-Mart and finding myself perfectly lost in a sea of self-helplessness.

Tomorrow will be here in a few hours. And with it, there will be some good and there will be some bad. But nothing that happens will change who God is. God knows my heart tonight. I get restless in the unknown.

God, I know your dwelling place is like nothing I have pictured in Malibu, the Caribbean or in the Greek Isles. But thank you for being here with me tonight. Thank you for being Liz’s God too. And for being there with and for her in the hospital. Thank you, God, for making some more angels and then passing them down to me. Your hand-me-downs have made my life a better place. Love me, God, even when I don’t know how to love you back. Make it happen…make your will happen. In Jesus’ name…Amen.

If life was easy, love wouldn’t be necessary.

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5 Responses to “Throwing Pebbles At God’s Window”

  1. coolerinperson Says:

    Donny, as I was praying this morning for my dad and my friend’s mom who was having bypass heart surgery, I was praising, thanking more than asking. I remembered how God sets things up to help us through our own issues without us realizing that He’s doing it. Like giving us safety nets because He’s not going to stop us from doing things, but helping us through our things. He still performs miracles and He is bigger than our problems, no how big they seem to be. I am humbled by how big and how amazing God really is, when I can get my head around it. I can’t imagine how you are feeling and I know that you have no other choice than to rely solely on His strength.
    Anyway, I said all this to tell you about a song my Pastor wrote and sang at church a couple of weeks ago. I’ve wanted to share it with you since I heard it. He made a comment in the middle of the song that “it’s not a stuff thing, it’s a presence thing”, meaning we need God in our lives more than we need things in our lives. Of all people, I knew that that would bless you and likely hit home. Here’s the song, short, simple, and to the point. “Precious Jesus Oh I love You How I need You more and more … Come and fill my heart’s desire with Your presence Precious Jesus.” — Words/Music by Paul Freeman.
    I love you bro!
    Jessica (Bumgarner)

  2. I love your heart in this post, Donny, and I am so sorry that Liz is back in the hospital and in pain. With all that’s going on, I’m praying for you all to have His peace that surpasses all understanding!

  3. *Tears* oh how He Loves YOU and ME! Wow, I feel so light..it is ALL in His hands. I love you sooooooo much Hun! Praying for u as you keep down the fort.

  4. The prayers, tears and praises continue on this side of the pond as well. Praying all over again, differently.

    Love, praise & prayers to him for each and every one of you there.

    MomDad

  5. Donny,

    Reading your story, your transparent rantings of all the emotions and struggles you are experiencing, awakens a deep spiritual bond we all share as your brothers and sisters.

    Whenver I think of you and Liz it makes me want to scream and cry. It also opens my eyes to my own sense of selfishness, my own sense of blindness to what is most important in this life, and really encourages me to call on God for his eyes and his hands and his feet in my life.

    Only God knows the rest of this story and it is very difficult to own the mind, body, heart and soul which is keenly aware that He is the author who wrote what has happened and what is to come. You and Liz are so special, and Jen and I are of the many who love you and have and are calling upon God for healing.

    I praise Him for being able to be “everything” to you and Liz!

    Your brother-in-Christ,
    C.J.

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