God Acts Like He Loves Us…

…AND HE DOES! We just don’t always get it, receive it, want it, or know how to accept it. Despite life happening, He still loves me. Despite my misunderstandings, selfishness, and self-inflicted flaws, He still loves me. When I want to fight Him, question Him, and argue with Him, He still loves me.

My life is spiraling right now. And not necessarily in a downward fashion, but just spinning like some kid top on a wooden floor. Liz is back in the hospital. She has been feeling fairly bad since Sunday. Little to no food for four days. Her breathing is painful, her body aches, and her leg is still killing her. With a normal healthy person, these issues might be treated this way or that by a regular physician. But with Liz’s case, everything is heightened. And thus, when they go to run more tests, particularly blood tests or scans that require contrast, they are unable to get a good vein. This is because Liz has been through so much since January of 2005 that her body has built up so much scar tissue that it blocks good blood access.

Seeing her back in the hospital bed last night was more than deja vu, it was the pain renewed, the hopelessness reborn, and the frustration revisited. I feel like I need a full-time job just to do research on how to get her better and on how to keep her better. I want to help. I want to do something. The pit in my stomach says I am not doing enough. I mean, my gosh, a mom of 5 has been in the bed for at least 3 months now and when she gets up, she has to use a walker or a wheelchair. God? If I ever claim to know your plan or act like I fully know you, please feel free to strike me down. You are God of everything and I am not even man of my space.

I will continue to call upon a King that reigns, a Lord that leads, and the God that provides for His own. This time in my life and the life of my family is not a time to be defeated, but rather an opportunity to get lost in His grace. My debts are great, but none greater than that to my Creator and Sustainer.

I sat at home yesterday afternoon and cried for a bit. I hear the words of many. The words are of encouragement, strength and peace. I can only imagine when those words are the only words spoken. And there are other moments where God is lookin’ me with locked eyes. He did this the other morning through Hudson, my youngest son. See, Hudson is slower than his siblings, his vocabulary is more limited and at 4 years old, still doesn’t know his colors. His brain-bleed at birth has affected his cognitive development. But let me tell you something, my God has used that boy to break his father. The other morning, while Logan was in the bathroom getting dressed, I went into the boys’ room and sat down on Hud’s bed. The room was dark except for the hall light peering in. Hudson, with his little sleepy boy eyes and his angelic smile, he looked up at me. Before I could say a word to him, he said, ” I wuv you, Daddy.” (His L’s come out as W’s.)

Liz is in the hospital, in a lot of pain. My children are with their grandparents. I am trying to provide for my family. And the house needs to sell. I am not about to ask God how much more I can handle; He might just show me. I am not going to sit here on this plane and ask Him why; because I wouldn’t understand the answer. But I will continue to praise him for undeserved blessings. I will keep thanking Him for all the greatness that is my life. I refuse to find my identity in any “role”, but rather in the purpose that I was created for. I ask for success in every area, not for personal gain, but rather for Heavenly success. I am useless on my own. I have proven that fact. The verse says I can do all things through Him that strengthens me. I could, yes, but I wasn’t created for that. As I look at the rows of people in front of me on this flight; where are they headed, what’s going on in their lives, what is the pain they are carrying?

Liz will get better; she always does. My five kids will live life with bright eyes and contagious smiles. And Donny? Well, I am in training. And in this race , there is no finish line, for when I get to Heaven, I’ll be in a full on sprint.

God, turn around, let me back on…

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3 Responses to “God Acts Like He Loves Us…”

  1. Sally Allen Says:

    Amen! and Amen!

  2. Continue to pray daily for you all!

  3. Praying for you Says:

    You don’t know us, but we follow your blog. We want you to know that you give US hope, and through your eyes, we see Jesus. It takes a strong man to allow the Lord to shine through him. Through you we see Him. We pray for your family, and gain strength knowing that with all you are going through your love for the Lord is GREAT!

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