Tour de Grace

Tonight, I sit here in a quiet house. Candice is asleep in her bed and is all the way under the covers. Madison is laying on her back with her arms wide open as if she is waiting on a hug from an angel. Samantha is fast asleep with a stuffed animal in each arm. Logan is breathing deep as he recovers from being a 5 year-old. And Hudson is turned sideways on his bed and frozen in his sleep as if he was posing for another Precious Moment shot. Society says that kids are resilient. If so, mine are stone-cold.

Liz is still in the hospital. Not a whole lot of pain relief to speak of. The doctors did say this direction of attacking the blood clot would take several days to show signs of improvement. In the meanwhile, Liz continues to feel a high-level of pain, off again and on again nausea, hours of being very hot, and just an overall sense of blah-ness. But. she continues to defy all sense of reason by maintaining a positive spirit about her plight.

My days are full of emotions any more. I am in a constant battle between wanting to question God and looking for the blessings within the current situation. I am choosing to pursue the latter. And I would dare say that it is harder to do than the former. The blessings in my life are easily found, but can be so easily forgotten when something doesn’t go my way or when I get news that Liz has had another set back.

There were two moments today that made me want to hug God’s neck (Does God have a neck? Anyways…). When we go out in public with all five kids, we try not to make eye contact with complete strangers. Otherwise, we end up in some long conversation about how they had never met anyone with quadruplets and that we must have our hands full. To an extent, you almost have to forget that anyone else is around and just enjoy the kids and focus on the task at hand. Which brings me to the grocery shopping experience today.

Okay, I am not kidding. There was a point today when three different families or couples stopped and just starred as we walked between them. And for those that know me, you’ll be proud to know that I kept all snide remarks to myself. But instead, had an absolute blast with all five of the kids. They were so excited about helping me pick out certain items and asking “Can we get this?”, as they picked up every third item on every other aisle. I was laughing at how typical this all was; yet wasn’t. Oh, and isn’t it hilarious to watch all the little dances kids do when they get excited about something. Today’s trip to Target made this dad a proud papa.

The other moment that I will take with me for the rest of my life was of Sam. I had the kids take baths in our bathroom downstairs so I could keep an eye/ear on them as I fixed the quads’ lunches for tomorrow. Once it was time to get out, I began blow drying the girls’ hair. First up was Sam. After her hair was dry and brushed, I sent her upstairs to get dressed for bed. A little later, she came running into the bathroom declaring that she was ready for bed and wanted to know what I wanted her to do next. I just let her know that I needed to finish up with everyone else and then we would eat dinner. She smiled and ran into the bedroom, where Pandora was playing some worship music.

Samantha began twirling around and sort of jumping around to the music. It was as if God knew what I needed at that moment and slowed all of life waaaayyy down. The only light on in the bedroom was a lamp. And in that lamp-light, my daughter was spinning in slow motion. Her hair was spinning with her. Her smile was so heartfelt. Her eyes showed nothing but true joy in spending time with dad and her brothers and sisters.

Please listen to me for a second. I can easily find myself getting down, having a bad attitude, and just throwing a pity party. I have often times spent whole days living in fear and an overall uneasiness. I have battled loneliness often times when Liz has been in the hospital. But if you are going to recognize when I am being ridiculous, then please always hear me when I say that my heart desperately wants to live a life of pure joy. The source of such joy is ONLY found in the One that created me to begin with. My Sami taught me that tonight. I knew the truth of this beforehand, but saw it in action tonight.

This week, my prayer is for grace and mercy. I know too many people that are hurting right now. I know so many people that need a break from the onslaught of life. I truly hope this week finds you spinning in the light of true joy, peace, comfort, and love. This life of mine has left some marks. But none that compare to that which Jesus took for me. Earlier today, I had taken the kids up to see Liz. We were asking Logan what he had learned about at church today. And he started telling us about Jesus dying on the cross to take our punishment for us and that He was laid in a cave after He died. Logan was quick to add that Jesus wasn’t in the cave any more cause the boulder had been moved away. I preceded to ask him where Jesus was now. His response…”He’s in Heaven with God, but He still has the “owies” from being on the cross.”

God, may the stresses of my life never subside, if once they are gone, I lose sight of my constant need of you.

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2 Responses to “Tour de Grace”

  1. I’m constantly amazed when I read your words, hear your thoughts and see your heart. You have this unique and special way of telling your story. I appreciate your efforts to be a better man,and honor God with everything. I love the man u are and I love the man you are striving to be. xoxo,Lizzy

  2. I will praise, repent, testify, teach and preach for the rest of my life about the joy God created us for and the “owies” that Jesus still has, even up in heaven, from being on the cross. Thank you, Samantha, Logan, Candice, Madison, Samantha, Liz and Donny for the reminder and the deepening of my understanding of Psalm 66:1 and whole bunch of other joy passages as I hope and try to live to “make HIS joy complete”. Love, prayers and joy.

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