Whose Serving Who?

Tonight, Liz is back in the hospital. She returned there this evening after being doubled over all afternoon with major abdominal cramping. I don’t know if this stems from her previous surgery or an infection she picked up or what. But, nonetheless, the only woman I know personally that has been through so much, was in tears due to the pain.

In an episode of Seinfeld, George talks about having “hand.” He wanted to be in control of his relationship with the woman he was dating at the time. Well, tonight, I have been fighting God for hand. I want to basically yell at Him and tell Him all the ways in which He has let me down over the last four years. But how quickly simple-minded-Donny forgets that everyone is still here. Has not everything worked out? In the end, hasn’t there always been an answer?

NO! The answer is no. I continue to find myself here alone. I go upstairs at night and watch the kids breath. As a Christian, I am suppose to have their “child-like faith.” I have forgotten how to do that. Life has gotten complicated, hard and flat-out exhausting. I am tired of worrying, stressing, freaking out, feeling alone, and expected to plug forward with the hope that God has the answer. And the best part is, I actually know He does. But the battle is the timing for such a revelation.

See, I want God to heal Liz now so that all of this back and forth to the hospital will stop. This afternoon, while she was laying in the bathroom floor, crying out in pain, I was looking in the medicine cabinet for something I could give her to help. The number of red bottles from Target pharmacy is just ridiculous. I am a daycare worker and a drug dealer. Oh, and can help you get your own pizza place.

I am just beaten down by the unknown. And I know everyone gets there sometimes, but I am tired of visiting this place so often. I want to tell God what to answer, when to answer, and how to answer. I want Him to know how bad it hurts and how tired of His plan I am. I want to yell and fight Him like some stupid, spoiled brat of a child. But, despite my own immaturity, something heart-breaking and heart-warming happened tonight.

While showering tonight, with almost scolding-hot water beating the back of my neck, as if it was actually audible, God said to me, “I am here for you.” I get chills even remembering that very moment. I knew what He was saying. It told me that He knew how I felt and what I wanted, but that He would see me through. Often times, I don’t want there to be something to be gotten through. Sometimes I want just a simple routine; boring even. But I am not about to take the route of George Bailey in ‘It’s A Wonderful Life.’

Now on the flip side, if I am going to rant and rave about how I feel like God has left the situation, I also see His work in so many ways. Tonight, I fed the kids, bathed them, and put them down for the night. There was the awesome ‘life’ conversation I had with Logan, Hudson’s eyes staring back at me while I dried his hair, Madison’s blue eyes as she smiled back at me when I asked her if she wanted her bear when I tucked her in, the hugs (yes, multiple) that Candice gave me when I knelt down beside her bed before tucking her in, and then the way that Samantha’s hair fell down around her face as if she was an angel sent directly from God’s mail room. If I serve no other purpose on the face of this earth than to be a better dad for those kids, I accept.

So, I backdown. I am returning the reigns to the creator of the universe. I am sure that my stubborn-self will ask for them back, just to give them up over and over and over again. At least He knows I am predictable. In all of this, I am not trying to dumb-down God’s authority, His ability or His love. What I am saying is that I am so selfish that I sometimes want God as my own personal puppet when that is the exact opposite of my reason for even existing.

God, I am just very tired. And I don’t want to live this way any more. Help me to truly lean on your strength and understanding. And please be patient with me, I have a long ways to go before it becomes natural.


3 Responses to “Whose Serving Who?”

  1. NanaPops Says:

    Even after having been there for awhile we know very well we still cannot begin to “know” how and all you and Liz feel and experience through this painful, hard and frustrating time. We are thankful for the Lord’s faithful response to your and Liz’s faith and all the prayers. This morning I read:

    18-20″I will not leave you orphaned. I’m coming back. In just a little while the world will no longer see me, but you’re going to see me because I am alive and you’re about to come alive. At that moment you will know absolutely that I’m in my Father, and you’re in me, and I’m in you.

    21″The person who knows my commandments and keeps them, that’s who loves me. And the person who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and make myself plain to him.” Jn 14:18-21

    You are much loved and much prayed for in heaven & on earth .


  2. Donny and Liz, I noticed that Liz hasn’t blogged for awhile and was concerned and I just want you to know God has burdened me to pray for you all even when I am not aware what your circumstances are. Thanks for sharing so honestly. You and Liz have been an encouragement to me to continually trust God even though we don’t know the answers.

  3. laundrydayblues Says:

    HI, I also was a follower of Liz’s blog and her Twitter acct as well. I have been very concerned for her for some time, and praying that she is okay. I pray for your family often.

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