Not The Soul Provider

How did I get here? And why here? Looking at where I have been, why has it led to this very moment? And a bigger question for myself humanly-speaking; how long will it take to get the answer?

Two things happen when so much has been stripped away. First, you have moments of panic and fear; the two are not the same. Panic is momentary, while fear is longer-lasting. What am I suppose to do? What am I suppose to be seeing that I am either too stupid or too blind to see? Am I missing something? It is during times like these when self-doubt and the sense of failure begin to creep in and infect everything you are. What kind of loser loses the only job his family of seven has right before Christmas?

The second thing that happens is the sense of freedom. This second emotion is fleeting due to the panic and fear. But, when you can grasp it, this freedom can instill a confidence and a drive that one didn’t know existed. This emotion brings with it moments of clarity and relief. God says that He has a plan for me and that He knows me better than anyone on this earth ever will. How can I do anything but trust the Creator of the freaking universe?

Tonight, I went for a jog in the cold December air. It was dark, windy, and a bit painful. I had the iPod blaring in my ears to block out my own thoughts. All I could do was focus on the loud music and the pain in my right side. I ran hard tonight. There were a couple of times when I even smiled at myself because it felt as if I was running from something. What was it that I was trying to shake?

I started thinking about my mom. I had this overwhelming feeling of missing my own mother. Let me tell you something, my mom is an incredible woman. Call it a mother’s intuition or a direct line to God’s desk, but she always knows when something isn’t right with me. My mom has the right words when I need them. She knows the right prayers to pray when I am hurting. And she knows when to hold me close and when to let me run. Mom, I miss you tonight. You have always been there for me. Even though you are far from me tonight, know that I feel your love and embrace. For 29 years, you have loved me and supported me and helped to mold me into who I am. Just know that I said a little prayer of thanksgiving for you tonight.

Though I am the one looking for a job so that our family can have the money we need, I am not the soul provider of this family. I just can’t provide the peace and comfort that my God can. Logan’s one line in his Alpha-Biblical Christmas play last week was “R is for Redeemer, born to save us all; Baby Jesus sweet and small.” I am going to let God retain that title. I am going to strive and push and work to be where He wants me to be. The opportunities ahead will be available to me, if I’ll just stay out of my own way.

As you probably can tell, these last few days have been so tiring. As I wrap this up tonight, I feel so drained. The Wallflowers song ‘One Headlight’ is playing right now. How appropriate! It does feel like I am making it down some windy road with just one headlight working…Still hurts to know that I am this disposable…


3 Responses to “Not The Soul Provider”

  1. Two weeks ago, a friend from my church quit his job because he didn’t agree with the direction the company was going on a spirutual basis. Two days later, God provided him with another job that was better for him and his family. It lets him pay the bills and spend time with his family. I’m not saying you’ll have a new job in two days, simply that in the long-run God provides and won’t let us down. So hang in there man.

    Love you bro

  2. Our family is blessed by God in so many ways. Your Mother is one of those incalculable ones that defines God’s grace before my sight in flesh and blood. Likewise our incredible sons, daughter-in-laws and grandchidren full of faith, hope and the greatest of all, love.

  3. That is definitely perfect and so well thought out.Usually I tend not to make posts on the web, but I have to say that this post really made me want to. Really awesome bit of advice

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