One Foggy Night

Tonight, I am in a brand new place. Never in my life have I had a wife and five kids and not had a job. If I had to come up with a title for 2008, it would be ‘Broken.’  This night just feels a little darker and the future appears so far away.

It is 12:23 in the morning. Within myself, I am restless, irritated, angry, and hurt. Sure, it’s business; the economy is in a tailspin; and there is no employer out there whose job is to fill the tummies of my five children or to pay medical professionals for caring for my wife. Nope; that goes smack dap on these skinny shoulders of mine. I was just expecting God to do more when I agreed to become the father of five.

Yes, I know. God is still God. He will provide. And yes, this may turn out to be an incredible opportunity. But as I sit here and stare at the Christmas lights in this dark and quiet home, I’m empty. I’ll get up in a few short hours to get the kids ready for school. I’ll look them in the eye and fight my hardest to now show my fear. I’ll smile and kiss them letting them know how much I love them. When really all I want to apologize to them.

God knows my heart. He knows I am expecting Him to really show up this time around. I have no reason to expect anything less. I have nothing left. I want my passion back. I need to fight. And I am ready to drive. I feel like I am tossing and turning and I’m not even laying down. I just don’t know. I was told that it wasn’t anything about me, but yet, it stings deep.

So, exactly one week from Christmas, I join the many other Americans looking for employment. This week has been an absolutely horrible week. And if it wasn’t for a few key people in my life, well,…anyways. I keep coming back to the same question,”What now, God?” I am afraid of what He has next. I almost feel like He is trying to find my breaking point.

                              “God, I am here. Here I am, God. WHAT?! I have nothing, yet I have so much. What is the right answer here? What do you want me to say? Fine…it’s your turn.”

The other night, I saw the movie The Perfect Storm; the story of three storms coming together in the same place. Seems pretty appropriate about now. It is Christmastime, time to spent with the family shredding gift-wrapping, drinking egg nog, and listening to the kids singing “Away In A Manger.” Liz is also still recovering from a surgery and still needs to see another specialist before the end of the year. And now, no job. I still think Hollywood has nothing on my life.

Right now, I am listening to Pat Green sing “Let Me.” I am done. I am done being too proud and arrogant. I need help. I am a 29 year old guy that doesn’t have much of a clue and can admit it. I have experienced so much of life over the last several years and no time to process any of it. I guess it is just time to shut-up. There are a lot of people that are facing bigger giants than what I have before me. Me being the cry-baby that I am, I just need a good cry.

Thanks for letting me freak out for a bit. If I can be selfish for one more moment…I really need your prayers right now.

 

….This is weirding me out. I was about to hit save when I looked over at the TV to see what song was playing…it is Tim McGraw’s “Let It Go”. The words are hitting a little close to home tonight…God’s not letting me stay down…

Advertisements

9 Responses to “One Foggy Night”

  1. We’re praying and garnering prayer from all sides as you walk, with Liz and The Five, through another new experience. This is where the good lyrics come from. Keep on and let’s talk today.

  2. Donny,
    You know as well as us that we’ve been in the position you’re in right now (except with a medically ill kid, not mama) more than once. Each and every time, God provided and provided well. No, it wasn’t fun and yes, we worried way more than we should have, but we made it. If you have your job until the end of the year, you can probably get Liz into to see that specialist pronto. Hopefully, you’ll get someone who is compassionate in that medical office. There are lots in your position right now, so they should understand. Let me know what kind of thing you’re looking for and I”ll keep my eyes and ears open. I’m doing it for my mom now too as of Wednesday. Fun times, huh?

  3. Donny-
    I am so sorry to read your sad news. What a horrible time for this to happen. BUT we all know Gods got this. You have been through a lot but your strength and character have grown and somehow, some way, you will make it through and find the blessings God has for you and your family. I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers.

  4. Donny,
    Although we don’t know each other I want you to know that I am praying for you and for your family. Everything that Liz has been thru this year, with the kids, and now this….I am so truly sorry. I am just hoping and praying that you will find an even better job and that everything will work out just how God wanted it. You have an amazing family and are so lucky! Good luck and keep us all posted on the future!!
    Beth

  5. dougdixon2 Says:

    Praying for you! Call me anytime.

  6. I got your back babe! 🙂 Love you!!!

  7. Helen Steele Says:

    just read yours and Liz’s websites and saw the hard news you have you up and walks you two through this tough trial. Habakkuk 3:17-19 has encouraged us to keep going through very hard impossible circumstances.

  8. Helen Steele Says:

    just read yours and Liz’s websites and saw the hard news you have just heard. I will pray that your HEAVENLY Father will guide you , pick you both up in HIS arms and walk you two through this tough trial. Habakkuk 3:17-19 has encouraged us to keep going through very hard and seeminly impossible circumstances. May the Prince of Peace fill your hearts during this Christmas time.

    (please delete my previous comment as it cut messed up somehow and doesn’t make sense!)

  9. Donny –

    I’m so sorry to hear about your news. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I was laid off last February (I’m a single mother with two boys) and after an extensive job search, was finally hired this past December. I kept the faith that there is a time and place for everything and struggle to believe that there was something bigger and better in store for me. Sure enough!!!! I am currently working for a great employer – while my wages are less, I am so happy to be earning a paycheck once again.

    You WILL prevail. I pray for you and your beautiful family. I can’t wait to learn of the awesome future that God has in store for you and your family!

    God Bless!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: