Now What?

The only thing I can hear right now is the peck of my fingers on the computer keys and the low hum of the computer itself. No one else is home. The silence isn’t deafening, yet, not necessarily welcomed either. Life is not something to be enjoyed alone. Sure, there are times to get away and to not have to talk. But there are times when noise is more than racket.

In my life, ten minutes of silence turns into the piercing voices of Diego and Dora. And right along with them, are the three year-old voices of my quadruplets. When told by the show to repeat a word or to call for something, in unison, they are looking to vocalize different sounds and words. I don’t think too many parents take their kids for granted, but what about the process of watching them learn and grow. (My kids are bouncing in their seats as they eat lunch singing “Feliz Cumpleanos!”)

I am not posting this to talk about God, though I think it would be difficult to take Him out of this equation, but rather to talk about life. Yesterday, riding through a 2-mile bike trail, it just felt good to breathe. I didn’t stop to smell the roses, but instead, to feel the dirt rough against my knee as I fell after getting pushed back by a tree root. It is a pretty good life when you can laugh at a squirrel scurrying through the leaves on the ground as you fly by on a bike.

My life is full of…life. Sometimes, I get tired of living it. I want to trade it for a life less hectic and less overwhelming. There are plenty of times where things might seem unfair or just flat out ridiculous. A quick rundown would look something like this: over the last month, my wife has been in the hospital three times with pain, procedures, surgeries, and even some medicine that ended up attacking her body; I have a 4 year-old son that never wants to stop learning, his questions are full of reason and premeditated cause for intrigue; there are a set of quads sitting in the next room that had we followed the doctor’s recommendation wouldn’t be in there laughing with each other and spilling chicken nuggets on the floor; I have a brother that is on a Navy mission; parents that live overseas, here for a break, and who had to take security training a week ago in case they are kidnapped while serving as missionaries; a grandmother that was diagnosed with cancer; AND the Tennessee Volunteers are having a bad year. Now, most anyone could sit down and make a comparable list. My circumstances may be different, but I am unique, just like everyone else.

I am tired of looking ahead. Planning and preparing are one thing. Trying to predict the future is another. Bad things are going to happen. Unfairness and fatigue are on back-order. And though duct-tape can’t fix most problems I run into from day-to-day, those same problems still get resolved. I’m not worried about what’s next. If I knew what it was, I’d probably mess it up anyways.

Today is a bright blue day. (Madison’s eyes are incredible today.) The sun is out and purposely brightening the day. I am not looking to get all-granola on you, but I do appreciate life more and more everyday. Let me put it this way…none of us are ‘here’ for long. Along the way, life is going to jump up, bite us in the butt and jerk us around like we are some rag-doll. We have all experienced heart-ache, pain, disappointment, and anger. But, we have also been loved and loved back and laughed and been appreciated. If you need a smile, then make someone else smile first. Or do like Phyllis on The Office and auction off a hug. Then again, to stay with the TV analogies, you can be like Dr. House and not let anyone in. I guess all of that is your call.

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3 Responses to “Now What?”

  1. Even though I have never met him, I had a dream last night about Logan. I can’t remember it exactly, but I do know he was very grown up. It’s always amazing the things we can learn about ourselves as we watch others – especially kids! Hava teaches me everyday. Your kids, your wife, your family – they are all special. Thinking of you all and praying for you! May HE give you MUCH MORE LIFE!

  2. Keep on peckin’ away at life with our Lord and enjoying all those incredible eyes, smiles, laughs and questions. mom and I see both you and Liz so clearly in each one of them. Lookin’ forward to hangin’ out with’em and you two some more.

  3. You continue to amaze me babe! I love how things seem to fall together when you can put your thoughts on paper, or in this case, on the keyboard.

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