This Is Good-Bye

Yesterday, I, along with amazing friends and loving family members, loaded a 26 foot U-Haul moving van. We absolutely filled the thing. In fact, there were a couple of times when comments were made suggesting that we may not have enough room. And sure enough, several things are stored in a garage.

Currently, I am outside. I am on the back porch over-looking the water and watching the sun rise. Ya’ll, our God is amazing. He knows when to break us and He knows when to grant us peace. (Just saw a fish jump.) He knows when we need to laugh and He knows when we need to cry.

Towards the end of the day yesterday, after already making one run of stuff, I headed back to our ‘old house.’ I needed to mow and gather up the last few things. Plus, we were having the carpets cleaned. Once I got everything done, I went back inside and sat on the bench in the bay-window and just contemplated some things. I wasn’t really questioning anything, but rather, reflecting on how that house had changed my life.

I thought of friends that had visited. The laughs and cries I had with them. I wondered if I had the same kind of impact on their lives as they have had on mine; and continue to have.

I thought of all the absolute amazing times I had with my family. Watching the kids grow up and learning to walk, runn, talk, and sleep through the night. It made me remember Christmas’, birthdays, anniversaries, and get-togethers.

I thought of the hardships. It was in that house where Liz started passing out often during July of 2007, which later turned into her having a stroke. It was in this house where we cried over Candice so many times because we couldn’t get her trache back into her throat when she would pulled it out. It was in that house where we were living when we had to walk through the process of surgery after surgery after surgery after surgery.

And then I really started to tear up. This was the house where I have grown up more than any other place. I lived in this house in fear way too many nights. The two and a half years spent in that house were full of worry, concern, loneliness, and sand. Jesus talks about building our house on rock and not sand. And I know He was speaking to the foundation of our heart. My house was built solidly on a slab of concrete. My heart  couldn’t decide where it wanted to land. There would be times when I would just let God take over and lead. But then other times, when He didn’t seem to be taking the reigns, I would hope in the driver’s seat. And then of course, things always seemed to fall apart, eventually.

I fought God a lot in that house. But as usual, He brought me/us through. While sitting in that window yesterday, I looked over to where the kids had been eating their meals for the last year or more. I pictured Sammi’s eyes and cheeks. I remembered Madi’s eyes and hair. I thought of Hud’s eyes and smile. I thought of Candi’s eyes and the way she always leans her head to the side. And then, there was Logan with his eyes and all his questions from the table about the world.

(You people should see the sun right now. It is a massive of ball of Tennessee orange. There is a cloud running in the middle of it. Wow!…Sorry, just having a moment.)

…anyways, that table scene, also makes me think of the number of prayers I heard from the lips of the angels I have been blessed with. I realized how much they have taught me. I am not leaving that place the same person I was when we first moved in. Today, my body is tired and weak. My mind is exhausted. But my heart, my heart is stronger than ever.

As one friend stated, it is now time to make some new memories. We will have a new home. We will make new friends. Those that are friends now, for me, will remain great friends. Life has changed and life is different. Things will never be the same. And that’s OK. I am very tired today. But I get to relax…I’m no longer in the driver’s seat.


One Response to “This Is Good-Bye”

  1. The memories, the praises, and the prayers continue.

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