Tonight,  I was driving home from some friends’ house. The highway was dark, except for the occasional headlights passing by. All five kids were sound asleep in their car seats. And the radio was on a local Christian station. Over the last two and a half weeks, there is a song that has absolutely rang true to me. The song is called “Hold My Heart” by ‘Tenth Avenue North.’ The words to this song fit this season in my life. I would encourage anyone and everyone to at least pull up the lyrics to this song and read them all the way through. The song itself is heart-reaching; if you allow it to be.

It is Sunday night and Liz has now been in the hospital 4 nights. She is not expected home until Tuesday, at the earliest. She is scheduled for a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow. This stint in the hospital is for several reasons. After Liz came home from the hospital last time, I didn’t like the way her stomach appeared. There was something very wrong. Now, I could spend the next 30 minutes ranting and raving about the lack of communication in general, but especially in the medical realm. But, as I have stated in a previous blog posts, I am trying my hardest, with God’s help, to overcome my instant reaction of anger. So, instead, I will say that I strongly encouraged Liz to go see a doctor. Last Wednesday, with pain and an overwhelming sense of “yuckiness” (and an unrelenting husband), she finally went to see the doctor.

Things went from bad to worse quickly. While at the doctor’s office, Liz passed out. Come to find out, she was severely dehydrated from stomach issues and couldn’t keep up with fluids. But over the last few days, through IV fluids, steroids and other medicines, Liz is/was on the mend. But today…she has been sleeping a lot. She sounds weak on the phone. They are doing the bone marrow biopsy because her white blood cell count is very low and staying there. They want to check all possible avenues so they aren’t possibly missing something that could be the cause of so many issues.

Now, I want you to hear this. I have talked before about how strong Liz is physically. I have blogged about how much pain she has endured and continues to endure, even on the good days. Let me bring you in on something. Liz is the strongest person I know emotionally. Most of her days in the hospital, Liz spends alone.  My point is that she has spent so much time away from her family. Life is and has to go on, while she continues to battle with so much. Please don’t stop praying for her. Pray for Liz; that she may physically be healed, if that is God’s plan for her life at this time. Pray that her spirit may be strengthened by God’s grace, mercy, and love. I want to say that I don’t know how she does it, but actually, I do.

Umm, I need to ask for prayer for myself. I feel myself slipping a little bit. For the first time in the last 4 to 5 months, I have this weak feeling. I feel fairly tired. And not the kind of tired that is taken care of in a day. I think I am struggling. For a little while now, I have been waking up with my heart racing, almost in a panic. The other night, while in Chicago, I had one of those moments where I woke up in the night and had no idea where I was. (Wonder how many people feel that way, even when awake?) I miss the simplicities of being about to go for a run. I don’t think it is a sense of feeling burdened. I have a group of guys that I know I can turn to when life gets heavy. What I am feeling is more an emotion of helplessness. And if I am being real and honest,………….(why is this so hard to say)…………I think this is where I am suppose to be. I think God wants me broken; completely void of self-accomplishments. I feel as if He is basically saying to me, “Donny, are you about ready for me to show you what I had in mind?”

I haven’t admitted this to anyone, but Friday night, I was so tired of sleeping by myself, that I got up and went and laid in the floor with my pillow in the boys’ room. I never actually went to sleep, but I just felt the need to hear someone  else breathing. (By the way, Hudson snores louder than Logan.) I am in a weird place right now. While at work, my job is all-consuming. When I have the kids, I am constantly counting skulls. When we go to see Liz, I have a bunch of questions about what is being done to make her well. I’m a top on a hardwood floor…

See, it’s not the storm itself that is bothering me. It’s the 39 days and 39 nights (cause God said He wouldn’t allow it to rain for 40.) People love the saying “it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but rather, the size of the fight in the dog.” I disagree. I think it’s about the people with the sharp sticks on the outside of the ring.

We’ll be closing on our house soon. Liz needs/wants to get out of the hospital soon. These days, I find myself leaning on so many people. And if people only knew the number of prayers of thanksgiving I have lifted up. I have so many people to be thankful for in my life.

So, I am going to try and sleep for a little while. I am tired of being anxious, scared, being pulled down, beat up, criticized, burdened, and frustrated. But all of those emotions are choices. I have been a Christian for 23 years. I am learning at the age of 30 how to follow the guidance of a God who, for all intents and purposes, is counter-cultural.

God, help me to better grasp and understand that you chose me long before I ever chose you…

The last few posts have been about the stresses in my life. Today, those same exact stresses still exist, but there has been a shift in tactic. For this moment, I am giving up my plan. My approach was having zero effectiveness and I was losing myself within the weeds of an emotional breakdown.

I am reminded at every turn that life is difficult. But seriously, there is so much greatness in each of my days. It is ridiculous how the shadow of self-pity, self-loathing and selfishness seems to cast aside God’s apparent grace. I mean, at the bare minimum, at least I am alive to experience the struggles I have. I guess what it boils down to is that I make myself miserable and God is my “Go!” juice.

I learn so much from my kids. The other morning, Liz was in the hospital, the quads were still upstairs asleep and Logan and I were downstairs in the bathroom getting ready for the day. We were listening to some Christian music. Some rock song came on with a beat that would cause just about anyone to dance; except for the fact that it was early in the morning, that was my excuse anyways. But not for Logan. The boy starts bobbin’ his head and just starts bustin’   a move. The kid had some serious joy in his heart; right off the bat, first thing in the morning. He knows his mommy is in the hospital and he knew he had to go to school. So, I asked him, “Logan, that’s awesome that you’re dancing and having fun, but why? Why are you dancing?” I have been hanging onto his answer for a few days now. He said, ” ‘Cause dad, I really like this song and ’cause (aaaahhhhh, so hard to type without eyes watering) I like hanging out with you. We have fun together.”

I WANT THAT! I want to tell my Heavenly Father that I am dancing because I like hanging out with Him. I struggle with control and wanting things fixed first. It’s like I want God to fix everything before we can chill together. Surely I make Him laugh at my petty behavior. Look, I am a failure in the eyes of money. I am inadequate at healing my wife. And I need help in every area of my day. I am not some pet project of God’s. He’s not running some cruel experiments. My famiy and I aren’t His crash test dummies. Instead, He wants me to see Him work. He wants me to grasp His love, mercy and His Son’s sacrifice. My “Yes” to Him wasn’t an acceptance to fortune and fame. It was the confirmation of a traveling companion on Earth and a King to worship in Heaven.

On this Friday the 13th, Liz is in the hospital, all four of my kids are at the same school, and I am at 31,000 feet, somewhere between Milwaukee, Wisconsin and Atlanta, Georgia. If this is my life with God, I laugh at the idea of trying to live without Him. There is a song by Tenth Avenue North entitled “Hold My Heart.” The first line asks “How long do I have to pray”. I may have moments when I feel overwhelmed, but I will never stop praying, trusting, and living. I want more out of my time here. God and I are on the same page on this.

I am refreshed. I feel alive. Today, God’s playing some music that I can’t help but dance to; and He doesn’t have to ask  me why. Man, live today with a smile, go give somebody a hug, and realize that you matter, you’re loved and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Now, join me and Logan and go ‘cut a rug!’

Do you have moments in time that you race back to when life seems to get very overwhelming? Moments when you were truly happy? Times when everything, right then, was truly wonderful? I do. For me, it was right before leaving Brazil to come back to the U.S. to start college. It was May. I was at the beach with my family when I decided to go off by myself and climb this mountain. (Why do so many of my stories involve climbing mountains?) I got up to the top and started smiling. I was seeing the beach and the small beach town differently than I had ever seen it before. I couldn’t hear anything but the wind rushing by me and the waves crashing into the rocks below. I often times talk about my love for clear blue skies…that moment helped to solidify those feelings.

I go back to that moment because it was then that felt like God had His hand on my right shoulder. Yes, I’d screw up along the way, but He would be there. Yes, I’d stop going to church for a while during college and later on after the quads were born. But there was also a sense in which God knew I’d need Him. He wasn’t scared for me, yet reassuring me that the cross meant something.

Tonight, after a long day of work and an evening with friends, I am back home alone with 5 sleeping children. Liz is still in the hospital. This makes for night number 6. Since the end of February of 2005, we have spent countless nights apart. These nights of fear, anxiety, frustration, loneliness, and fatigue have become all too familiar. Being left alone in the world of one’s thoughts can lead to the “what if” game far too often. But thank God He is a night owl. There is a satisfying peace to be had when you talk to God out loud in the dark and stillness of the night. There is a calm that is undeniable when I picture God watching over me the way I watch over my kids at night. I don’t give God enough credit for love. I use it, talk about it, want some of my own, but hardly ever do I specifically thank Him for His directed love towards me.

Look, my life doesn’t make sense in reality or in the comic section of the USA Today on Sunday mornings. But faith by definition is based on not understanding a direction. I don’t know if and when Liz is ever going to be 100%. I don’t know if Hudson will ever be able to use his left hand normally. I don’t know what I’ll be doing when I am 40 or much less, know where I’ll be living. I don’t know if Candice will ever be able to talk normally. But one day in the near future, the Donny that is up on that mountain by the sea is going to turn to the Donny of today and tell me I can’t visit here anymore. I need to learn to fall into the arms of a loving God and not into the easy comfort of a past memory.

Liz had some tests run today. Nothing was seen today that wasn’t already expected. Other than assuming that her pain is in direct correlation to the amount of scar tissue her body has built up over the last four and a half years, they aren’t sure what is going on. Ok, so let me make sure I understand. My wife has been in the hospital for 6 nights now and we are going to assume there’s nothing to be done. That’s fine, but if that’s your answer, talk me through how this is the best you got. My chest gets heavy when considering the fact that I have a folded-up wheelchair taking up space in the walk-in closet. There is a walker nearby. There are syringes in the bathroom drawers. Our collection of hospital cups, had we kept them all, would be more than the number of kid cups we have; and that’s sayin’ something.

So, I’m here. I feel like I constantly need to be taking inventory of my life. Not to get bogged down by the weight of my circumstances, but instead to see God’s favor at work. I’m 30. Have a wife and 5 kids. Friends and family that have shown their faithfulness. I never thought I’d see the day where I wasn’t having a Mountain Dew. I never knew really how to exist without TV. And I never wanted to thank God for my struggling moments. Man, I don’t know how this is all going to shake out, good or bad. I’m more scared than I’ll ever try and let on. But I can guarantee you this much, I have more to smile about than most. I don’t sleep much any more. And when I do, it’s not as restful as I would like. I find myself worrying for and about others. I thoroughly enjoy praying for others now. My days are full, but the days of many are pain-filled.

Weary I come to you tonight, Lord, and strengthened I walk away with You…

I was driving home tonight after having played a coed softball game with some members of our church. The only thing keeping me company was the roar of the roadway, the sounds of the radio turned down low, and the soft glow of the dashboard in front of me. Behind me were 5 sleeping children. Some of them were snoring; some were slumped over in their booster seats and all had come so far in such a short amount of time. The song playing on the radio was talking about God’s plan for our lives. I can tell you that part of His plan for my life could be seen in that rearview mirror.

Liz is spending another night in the hospital. We found out early this morning that her blood was super thin. And now, we’re in the middle of the waiting game. Liz needs an IV, but can’t get one due to her veins being overused. She needs a central line, but can’t et one because her blood is too thin and she would run a high risk of bleeding out during the procedure. She needs medicines to get better. She needs a CT scan…and yet no one came to get her today.

I am so very tired of yelling. I am so tired of pushing. I can’t be everywhere. The way Liz is treated at every single hospital she has been to is absolutely absurd. God’s plan can be in place, but for it to work out, everyone involved has to make the choice to follow it. We should stop refering to it as “healthcare” and instead, call it “people treatment.” Maybe the ability to desensitize from their patients has caused medical personnel to forget that people’s lives are in the balance daily. So basically, only one thing got accomplished today and that was the shots of Vitamin K. This will help to thicken her blood. (But don’t forget, she already has two blood clots in her right leg and they are now giving her blood back the ability to clot.)

I am afraid to sleep because I feel like there is so much to be done. I am afraid to think because there is so much before me. I am afraid to pray because I am afraid that God will truly show His strength by giving me more. I am afraid of being alone when surrounded by true friends. I close my eyes and my life goes numb as I consider the abundance of blessings God has cared to share with me. I just feel like sometimes I am living with my heart at half-mast.

God’s punchline for my life is His unconditional love. Billions of people, including Christians, reject it anyways. Sometimes it hurts that He doesn’t answer my prayers immediately. I get weary waiting on His timing. But the real sucker-punch to the gut is that no matter the number of times I try and take back the steering wheel, He is still in charge of the gas pedal.

Look, I don’t know when all of this will end. I don’t know when Liz will be healthy from January 1 until December 31. I don’t know where we are headed next or what new battles we will face. But I will tell you this; if there was no God, if there was no Savior of ourselves, if there was no soul to be treasured then Liz would be dead and I wouldn’t know my children. You want to ask me how I know that prayer works; the Dixons are still 7 when it would make sense for there to be 1. God could show Himself to us by taking over the world, but there is no love in that.

God is not some Mayo Clinic. He doesn’t charge for His services. Nor does He stand waiting for a tip. His mercy is maddening, His forgiveness is endless, and is love is limitless. My body is surrendering to the stress. My heart is bowing up for the next blow. But my soul…well everyday is a party for him. Tomorrow will consists of another trip to the hospital. Another day when Logan, Hudson, Madison, Candice, and Samantha will witness their mother lying in another hospital bed. Logan will surely ask Liz , “What hurts, mommy?” The girls will hug their mommy as if they were begging her to come with us. And Hudson……………….Hudson will smile his most awesome smile that will melt his mother’s heart.

I refuse to wait until Thanksgiving Day to ponder how great my life truly is. Billionaires pay tons of money to try and match the moments of pure joy that I get to experience on a daily basis. Thank you, Lord, for the confusion, uncertainty, and exhaustion. May you get all the credit for prayers answered.

It seems that at night, suppressed thoughts love to come out and play. So often times, I find myself battling some sort of fear of the unknown. But then, as if it is some grand revelation, I realize that I have enough fear in the now. As a Christian, through the Bible and through the teaching of other Christians around me, I am told not to live by fear and to entrust everything to the Maker and Sustainer of the universe. I know, believe, and want to do just that. And thus far, the law of averages hasn’t affected God’s ability to provide.

Tonight, I am home alone, once again, with my children. Liz is back, laying in another hospital bed. She is suffering. Before she left for the doctor’s office this afternoon, when she would try to talk to me, it was as if she was crying deep within. Her voice was faint and weak. Her eyes appeared to be heavy. Her stomach was causing her a great deal of pain.

Over the next day or two, they will be running a battery of tests, scopes, and blood work to determine the cause of her current ailment. The last time she was in this hospital…she was in the middle of having a stroke. Liz, since the quads have been born, has now been admitted to a hospital close to 50 times. With all the IVs, procedures and surgeries that she has endured over that time span, Liz has developed a whole lot of scar tissue around her veins. This makes it nearly impossible to get the IVs started that she needs or at least some sort of blood access for any short period of time.

Man, what is this place?! This life of limbo. My life now consists of pleading with people to go to God on my family’s behalf. Anymore, when I get alone and try and talk to God, there is nothing…and therein lies the beauty of the God of love. When my chest starts to lift up and down and the tears of fatigue, frustration and fear begin to happen, I know that I am not alone. It’s as if He is telling me to let it out. He’s ok with me being mad at Him. Why? Because He is very aware of my circumstances. I dare not challenge Him for I know His strength. I dare not turn my back on Him for I need His provision. And I dare not question His love…for it is what sees me through.

God, I hurt. You know me. I don’t need answers tonight, God; just provision. I need you to be yourself tonight. I’m scared. There…there you have it God. There before you are hundreds of broken pieces of pottery. I don’t need your glue. There is no need for something similar to what was. I feel so burdened and yet Liz is the one hurting. Liz is the one needing an IV and medicine and physical repair…all because she said yes to you. But Calvary’s definition has nothing to do with being self-righteous.

Earlier, I went upstairs to tuck in Logan and Hudson and Madison and Candice and Samantha. Everyone was already in their separate beds, waiting on me to come kiss them goodnight. They were wanting to hear me tell them that their daddy loves them. Man, do I do that with God? Liz is in the hospital again. The kids are growing up and becoming such awesome little people. We’re selling our house. But am I waiting on God to tell me He loves me? Actions are one thing; words are another.

When I call out to God, the intensity of the calling is determined by the severity of my need. At one point I am Ty Pennington, yelling through a bull-horn and shouting our commands or wants, while the next moment, well, I’m throwing pebbles at God’s window, hoping to see a light come on behind the shades. I want Him to know that I am still here and still in need. I cried for the third time tonight while talking to Dad on the phone. I so loved putting “me” aside for a moment to pray over him and my mom.

The horizon will never get here. As far as I travel and as fast as I go, I’ll never reach it. So many people are trying to get to the edge; to their own tipping point. I’m slowing down for tonight. I’m tired. In the past, I would have downed three Mountain Dews by now, along with a bag of BBQ Lay’s and thoroughly enjoyed two Iced Honey Buns. Tonight, it’s a bottle of Great Value water from Wal-Mart and finding myself perfectly lost in a sea of self-helplessness.

Tomorrow will be here in a few hours. And with it, there will be some good and there will be some bad. But nothing that happens will change who God is. God knows my heart tonight. I get restless in the unknown.

God, I know your dwelling place is like nothing I have pictured in Malibu, the Caribbean or in the Greek Isles. But thank you for being here with me tonight. Thank you for being Liz’s God too. And for being there with and for her in the hospital. Thank you, God, for making some more angels and then passing them down to me. Your hand-me-downs have made my life a better place. Love me, God, even when I don’t know how to love you back. Make it happen…make your will happen. In Jesus’ name…Amen.

If life was easy, love wouldn’t be necessary.

Have you ever found yourself staring out a window and not been able to see the landscape before you due to the reflection in the glass? Life ever been so full that your cup is over-flowing and getting your feet wet? I can no longer be satisfied with sipping what my life has to offer. God said that He could provide a life that is more abundant. Having one shot at it, I want the over-sized life.

On this Friday afternoon, Liz is still in the hospital. Her own veins continue to be her nemesis. My pain will always pale in comparison to what she has sacrificed for our family. To smile at people, but to cry behind closed doors. To trust in an unseen God when life is truly in the balance. Christ’s sacrifice becomes more real when life’s struggles are about to win. If you have never met Liz and don’t know who she is, the best way to describe her is that she is the world’s greatest fighter, without ever throwing a single punch. There is something powerful in quiet strength.

This current hospital stay has not been an easy one. Two IVs have blown. She is still dealing with pain and is now on strict bedrest due to the newly formed blood clot in her leg. Liz is fighting some other issues that may be more long-lasting. The plan, the last I was told, was for Liz to be hospitalized until tomorrow. But what about Trick or Treating with her children. Imagine being at home, but not getting to go places with your kids or go do fun days at your kids’ school. Liz is biding her time. She is waiting for ultimate healing. When faced with such challenges, I pray that my faith in God’s plan will be able to match that of one of God’s prized creations.

The kids…I am humbled at their resilience. They grow, love, and express a true sense of joy through their words, eyes, and actions. Logan and Hudson are a couple of dudes that make me proud to be a father. There are plenty of mornings where I walk into their room to get Logan up for school and he is asleep in Hud’s bed. He watches over his lil bro, even in the middle of the night. (God, your reminders of your love for us can be reflected by our own children. You make me smile.) And my daughters…*fighting the tears in public*. Madison, Candice, and Samantha are beautiful angels that haven taken up residence on my cloud 9.  God, let me please be their shoulder they cry on, the hand they reach for when in need, and the daddy they never forget to love.

Liz and I have been trying to sell our house for what feels like 18 months; it has been less than six. Just today, we received our first offer. In the movie ‘The Shawshank Redemption’, Andy Dufrain kept writing letters  asking for funding for a new library in prison. When the state government finally sent a check, he was happy, but it led him to writing two letters a day instead of just one. I am praising God for the offer, but am now upping my prayers regarding all parties involved. Not about to move without Him.

Work plate is full. That in and of itself is a praise, but it does lend itself to more stress. Pizza isn’t my passion, but rather, people are. So many people are looking for a change. What they have isn’t working. They know there is more to be had. One guy said that he oversees about 200 people. It’s not a challenge to him to run a company. BUT, he is now ready to serve others and get his hands dirty. His words were, “I want to have a daily impact on people I don’t even know.”

So, here I am. Flying through the air, hitting turbulence, with no idea what’s ahead. I feel like my life is filled with good and bad complications. I get overwhelmed, beaten up, chastised, scolded, ignored, and questioned. I find myself trusting God as long as things go my way. When He starts charting a different course than what we (I) discussed, I pull out my own map. Look, I know. I know my life is blessed. I mean, I am the one living it. But its time to free fall; God’s the One with the parachute. Someone said to me the other day that they were praying that this would all be over soon. WOW! Thanks, but no thanks. Instead, I want it to go on forever if that means God is sought more. See, the more we go through as a family, the more we HAVE to rely on God. Once things are smooth and easy, there is an easy tendency to put God on speed dial.

Easy with the band-aid, God…its gonna hurt.

…AND HE DOES! We just don’t always get it, receive it, want it, or know how to accept it. Despite life happening, He still loves me. Despite my misunderstandings, selfishness, and self-inflicted flaws, He still loves me. When I want to fight Him, question Him, and argue with Him, He still loves me.

My life is spiraling right now. And not necessarily in a downward fashion, but just spinning like some kid top on a wooden floor. Liz is back in the hospital. She has been feeling fairly bad since Sunday. Little to no food for four days. Her breathing is painful, her body aches, and her leg is still killing her. With a normal healthy person, these issues might be treated this way or that by a regular physician. But with Liz’s case, everything is heightened. And thus, when they go to run more tests, particularly blood tests or scans that require contrast, they are unable to get a good vein. This is because Liz has been through so much since January of 2005 that her body has built up so much scar tissue that it blocks good blood access.

Seeing her back in the hospital bed last night was more than deja vu, it was the pain renewed, the hopelessness reborn, and the frustration revisited. I feel like I need a full-time job just to do research on how to get her better and on how to keep her better. I want to help. I want to do something. The pit in my stomach says I am not doing enough. I mean, my gosh, a mom of 5 has been in the bed for at least 3 months now and when she gets up, she has to use a walker or a wheelchair. God? If I ever claim to know your plan or act like I fully know you, please feel free to strike me down. You are God of everything and I am not even man of my space.

I will continue to call upon a King that reigns, a Lord that leads, and the God that provides for His own. This time in my life and the life of my family is not a time to be defeated, but rather an opportunity to get lost in His grace. My debts are great, but none greater than that to my Creator and Sustainer.

I sat at home yesterday afternoon and cried for a bit. I hear the words of many. The words are of encouragement, strength and peace. I can only imagine when those words are the only words spoken. And there are other moments where God is lookin’ me with locked eyes. He did this the other morning through Hudson, my youngest son. See, Hudson is slower than his siblings, his vocabulary is more limited and at 4 years old, still doesn’t know his colors. His brain-bleed at birth has affected his cognitive development. But let me tell you something, my God has used that boy to break his father. The other morning, while Logan was in the bathroom getting dressed, I went into the boys’ room and sat down on Hud’s bed. The room was dark except for the hall light peering in. Hudson, with his little sleepy boy eyes and his angelic smile, he looked up at me. Before I could say a word to him, he said, ” I wuv you, Daddy.” (His L’s come out as W’s.)

Liz is in the hospital, in a lot of pain. My children are with their grandparents. I am trying to provide for my family. And the house needs to sell. I am not about to ask God how much more I can handle; He might just show me. I am not going to sit here on this plane and ask Him why; because I wouldn’t understand the answer. But I will continue to praise him for undeserved blessings. I will keep thanking Him for all the greatness that is my life. I refuse to find my identity in any “role”, but rather in the purpose that I was created for. I ask for success in every area, not for personal gain, but rather for Heavenly success. I am useless on my own. I have proven that fact. The verse says I can do all things through Him that strengthens me. I could, yes, but I wasn’t created for that. As I look at the rows of people in front of me on this flight; where are they headed, what’s going on in their lives, what is the pain they are carrying?

Liz will get better; she always does. My five kids will live life with bright eyes and contagious smiles. And Donny? Well, I am in training. And in this race , there is no finish line, for when I get to Heaven, I’ll be in a full on sprint.

God, turn around, let me back on…

When it comes to living, most of us want to.  We want to live life the way we see fit. And then, in we are in a desperate pinch, we call upon “god.” We try and make pretty good decisions. We want to help those in need. We want to speak our minds without hurting other peoples’ feelings. We like to think that our lives are just that, our’s.

Getting married changes that. Having kids changes that. And “finding Jesus” changes that. (I HATE that phrase because the media now uses it as a fad for those in jail or star athletes with colorful pasts.) One part that I never really gave much thought to was that if God made my body, was I not His from the beginning? This led to me making a decision. A huge decision.

I stopped all soft drinks. Immediately. Cold turkey. On Tuesday of this last week, I was up to four Mountain Dews and two Cokes. I mean, my gosh, I freakin’ passed out in Honduras playing soccer because I drank an energy that morning instead of water. In fact, as I felt myself getting dizzy, while sitting on the bus, I had an energy drink in one hand and a Coke in the other! (I want to discuss some side effects in a moment.)

I also made another decision. No more chips. Zip, nada, no-mo. I have decided that for the rest of 2009, I am going to eat healthy. I am going through water like NEVER before. I am eating fruits and vegetables.

Now, I am not doing this because I had some sort of flash forward and found myself being buried in six months. I am not doing this because God convicted me so heavily that I just gave in. I am not doing this to prove a point.

I am doing this because I actually want to. I want to breathe easier, wake-up in a better mood, and have more energy. I want to stop with the heartburn in the middle of the night. I want my heart to stop having minor racing attacks. I want my kidneys to stop being so tender.

I need to be here for my kids. I need to keep my energy level high for the times when Liz is sick. I need to do better with the vessel that encompasses my soul. Its time that I realize I am 30 and not 24. I may be skinny or thin or a toothpick or even make stick figures look overweight, but I am not healthy. I want to run and ride my bike and lift weights. I WANT to drink water instead of soft drink. I want to stop eating when satisfied. I am not looking to become fit enough to out-pace God, but rather, be available when and where He wants me.

This all has been very difficult. Even today, I am fighting the urge of downing a Dew and inhaling a bag of Ruffles after eating two Nutty Bars. Thursday, the first full day without caffeine, I was miserable. I don’t get sick very often, but Thursday, I thought I was dying. Seriously, at one point, I was getting shaky, my heart was racing, I felt very sick to my stomach and I felt like I was on the verge of crying. Why was I doing this? I could make it all stop my having a 12-ounce can of Mountain Dew. See, I didn’t make some deal with God that I was promising Him some great feat by doing this. I never once said that this new diet was forever. I have committed to this for a short period of time. I want to do this.

God was replaced in this area of my life. I thanked Him for blessings in my life, but I ignored the fact that my eating habits proved to be the exact opposite. The other day, at work, we had a health assessment done. I won’t go into all the numbers, but a few stuck out to me that caused me to think differently. On that day, I weighed more than I ever have in my life. (Yes, I know that’s not saying much, but it did tell me that there was more fat than muscle.) But on the flip side, my blood pressure was actually really good and my cholesterol was in the middle of the normal range…for now. What if for another year or two or ten, I kept eating the same way and drinking the same way. People have told me for a long time that I was addicted to soft drinks and chips and other junk food. It didn’t matter. I needed to come to that realization myself. I get on here and I talk about how blessed my life is and how awesome it is to see people taking care of us in a time of need when Liz is sick. I get to brag on my kids and how my life is a better place because they are in my every day. 

I don’t know when I’ll find myself in Heaven. I don’t know, if any, what physical ailments are headed my way. But my body needs to be in the best possible shape for whatever life has to offer. I am 6′3″ (and a half) and weigh 172lbs. I am weak. You can count most of my ribs without using your fingers. I can get my head and arms through half of Logan’s t-shirts.

I am struggling through this, but excited about the possibility of accomplishing something that I told some people I would never do. I apologize for making this blog post all about me. But I think I am telling the “world” so that you can help me. I hate cooked vegetables. I hate a lot of the fruits found in grocery stores, but I am trying. It has to be baby steps with me. But not having heartburn over the last few days and living without a single headache since Thursday night, I can tell it is already making a difference. Not sure what 2010 will be like, but for the rest of 2009, I want to get rid of fat, build muscle, strengthen my heart, clear my mind, and feel better about myself. There is a lot of who I am that needs a lot of work. And like I have quoted before, “…He’s still workin’ on me, To make me what I ought to be…”

Lately, at church and on different websites there have been discussions about the highs (mountaintops) and lows (valleys) that many people seem to be experiencing.  Now, none of this is new. People all around the world have good days and bad days. The road in the valley feels impossible and the view from the mountaintop is breath-taking.

Ever looked at someone and been jealous of them? No, not jealous of what they look like, but jealous of who they are? Their charisma is contagious and seemingly endless. There is a true sense of joy about them. These people have made regular trips to the top. But on the other end of the spectrum, you find those people whose head is always down. The word “MACK” seems to be imprinted on their face due to the number of times life has hit them head on. These people can see where they want to be, but the mudslides of life have defeated them so many times that they have basically given up the climb. One thing is common for both types of people…they both hear echoes in the valley.

I realized this week that no matter where I am “on the climb”, others are there with me and/or have been there before. Those thoughts were both reassuring and disheartening. We all want to be on top and even set up shop and just sell souvenirs  to those passing through. But lessons aren’t learned at the pinnacle. I know that when I have reached the peak, I find myself shutting out everything else…I mean, hey, I made it to the top, right? And therein lies the problem. “I” hardly did any of the climbing. If I had the guts to look down while ascending, I’d see that I am stepping on someone else’s back that has forfeited their next step for my success. Or maybe someone has put me on their shoulders and we’re walkin’ together.

What goes up…

I remember in 1990, before my family and I moved to Brazil, we were up in the Smokey Mountains (my favorite place on the planet; for a variety of reasons). This particular time, we were at the highest point in all the Smokies; Clingman’s Dome. Next to the parking lot, there was a side of the mountain that was covered in shale. I was 11 and my brother was 9; yes, we gave it our all and climbed the sucker. Getting to the top was ridiculous. We kept sliding down or slipping and scrapping our knees and hands, but eventually, we did make it to the top. One thing that was interesting, as I look back now, before my brother and I started heading up, no one else was doing it. But once we started, there were a few other kids fighting their way upwards. Anyways, coming down was tedious. We basically just sat down and slid, while dodging larger rocks jutting from the earth. And wow, its amazing how fast we got from the top of that mountain to the bottom; after it took so long to go up there.

Man, I don’t know what’s next. Sometimes I think I am heading up the mountain and I get all excited, just to find out that it was a speed bump in the valley. But get this (yes, it takes me awhile to fully grasp some concepts), God’s ruling hands helped to create the valleys of the physical earth, while I am the one that tries to dig my way through the side of the mountain. The “valley of the shadow of death” in Psalms 23 isn’t some sort of boobytrap that we all have to go through as if we are in Heaven’s Boot Camp.

So, I have kind of been praying differently lately. I need an exfoliation of my heart. I want to be equipped to climb. And you know somethin’, I still have kids wanting to climb like me, they just happen to be my own. And God, when I find myself walking the trail in valley, be my rod and staff. They now do more than just comfort me.

It was a dark night. Due to the rainstorm that was blowing through, it felt a bit darker than normal. The windshield wipers were doing their very best to keep the water collecting on the glass to a minimal. And the streetlights seemed to be casting blurry light. This particular night was proving to be a challenge to get home. I am sure it didn’t help matters much that I was feeling so tired and was fighting off sleep.

This seems to be ridiculously perfect metaphor for my life lately. I know my purpose. I know my destination. And I know the actions that have to be taken between now and then. But I feel I am always fighting the urge to crumble. Sure, I am good for a while. And yeah, you might ask me how I’m doin’, I’m going to tell you I’m fine. I have been warped by certain societal norms like you have.

Ever felt small in God’s ultimate plan? Sometimes, my fragile ego feels like I am just leaving messages on Jesus’ voicemail. I call and call and call and end up just leaving messages. I want answers. But you know something, if Jesus was brazen enough to answer some of my questions of why and when, I’d more than likely be so critical of His answers that I would start questioning His plan. Now for the proverbial kick in the gut. Despite my selfishness, my lack of understanding, hesitation in following…God still chooses to bless my life. The love affair for God described by Matthew West in “You Are Everything” fits where I am right now. I don’t always have to get God. But He’s always got me. When I feel like the Autumn leaf falling to the ground, He is the wind that keeps me afloat. When I am drowning, He is the water engulfing me. And when I am passing through a tunnel, in a valley, at night, He is the sedative for my fear.

Liz can’t breathe fully. All five of my children need me. There is constant upkeep of the house. Work is what allows me to provide for my family. John 15:5 tells us to stay connected to the vine; despite hurricanes, anxiety, or any other sense of being overwhelmed. Love needs a home. God, I plead that you continue to love in me. I don’t drink alcoholic beverages, but I desperately want to be drunk with an attitude of praise and worship and adoration. What on Earth do I have to complain about? No, seriously. My life is full of some serious blessings that I don’t deserve, nor did I even know to ask for them.

In some romantic couples, there can be funny scenes due to awkward pauses. When people are all in love and so lovey dovey, silence is ok. Lately, I find that God’s silence can be incredibly reassuring. Yes, some will say that I am not listening or whatever. Well, my fruit wasn’t made for you. But I will say this, when I get so overwhelmed with life, which can be often, I become emotionally and mentally and physically unavailable to be used. And in that, I am missing out on so much of actual life.

So, moving forward. Hug like you mean it. Love like you need it. And praise cause you want to. These days I am living are flying by and I can’t let another one go by without allowing myself to be transformed. I am a man…a man that has momentary growth spurts. God, thank you for this current valley. It affords me the opportunity to rely solely on You. Water collects in the valley and I have been thirsting for a while…