What Are We Doing Here?

A few weeks ago, my mother-in-law shared with me a statistic that she had heard. The average life expectancy of a white male is 73. On average, if I can avoid some genetic weakness, drunk-drivers, and self-inflicted illness, I have less than 8 decades to make this life worth the cost that was paid. And no, that’s not a religious agenda.

It has been a little over a month since I have been on here to turn my sleeve into words. There have been times when I have wanted to get on here and just angrily yell about life. And then there were times when I wanted to jump on here to cry about mole hills and spilled milk. There’s not a single person on this Earth that doesn’t have ups and downs. The dynamics of life prevent us from living on a mesa for our entire existence.

Tonight, I have issues on my heart that are trying to take up residence. I have harbored them there for far too long. And really, it is all my fault for allowing them to exist. Maybe I can “talk them out” and do the proverbial “moving on.”

1.) I am a very people-oriented person. I have this need to be around people all the time. The key is choosing the right people I want around me. And what I don’t need are people around me that say things to make their life a little easier. When it’s time to shut-up, just go ahead and close your mouth. Don’t tell me what sounds good to you. Just because you think its right doesn’t mean I should except it as truth. There was an incident some time back that caused me to bite my tongue and part ways. I am absolutely guilty of this same action. But to look me in the eyes and spew your own conclusions about my life…don’t expect a Christmas card.

Now, don’t hear me say that I am opposed to learning and growing through the instruction of others. I am totally game for doing what it takes to live this life a little fuller. I don’t have things all figured out by age 30 and can guarantee you that at 73, I’ll be in the same boat. But by then, I’ll be in the stern as opposed to the bow, playing “king of the world.” Life is serious and hard work…wonder if I’ll have those same thoughts in another 43 years, if I am that lucky.

2.) This is going to be hard for me to talk about. I am not real good at dealing with deep fears. I am scared and I hurt. First, let me lay this out for everyone to see…I love my youngest son, Hudson Pierce. The other day, we received a letter that caused us to see something in print that we hadn’t read before. A doctor had unofficially diagnosed Hudson with cerebral palsy. *gulp* “God, really? ” We have thought this for a long time, but to finally see it down on paper from a doctor, just caused a serious lump in the throat. That night, I found myself laying beside him staring up at the ceiling. I was making funny voices with his bear…but really what I was doing was pleading with God. Not that He would take this away from Hud and help him to be a “normal” little boy, but that He would help me to love Hudson the way I needed to. God didn’t cause Hudson to have this as an issue to tackle. In fact, no one caused it. God did allow it to happen and it is my goal to learn from the boy. He has already begun teaching me how to love differently.

“God, help me to be patient with my son. You have entrusted this little dude in our care and I want to do my part to help mold him into the man you want him to be. And God, grant me peace. The unknown with Hudson, at times, feels overwhelming. As his father, please guide me as I guide him. God, most of all, thank you for letting me be Hud’s dad. Amen.”

I continue to find life pretty ridiculous. You wake up one morning, everything seems to tracking pretty normal, and the next moment, you find yourself surrounded by circumstances unseen due to personal blinders. We all want what we want. Its pretty interesting how those wants change as your grow up and/or older.

One last thing and then I’ll quit. And I have talked about this before, but it has really been on my mind lately. There are two major issues, that really coincide with one another, that are becoming an absolute epidemic today; loneliness and the lack of communication. I am not talking about remedying these issues by surrounding yourself with gobs of people and being a straight-shooter. But so many people, myself included, are so cautious about sharing their heart at the risk that the listener is going to reject them or even worse, judge them. I know that I have done the rejecting and judging. I am wrong for doing that. But as I have been on the other end, I really hope that I can get better at hearing people for where they are. God never said, “Come as you are, well, after you get your act together.”

What in the world am I doing here? My life is ridiculously full of blessings. What a waste if I were to chalk it up as coincidence. Life is bigger than I am, but I refuse to be intimidated by it.