Unfounded Fear

Here I am. For now, anyways. Shortly, I’ll be somewhere else. We all will be. And then what? I am not necessarily asking this question from a religious basis, but rather, from a reactionary standpoint.

Recently, I saw the movie ‘The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.’ It got me thinking about something that I think about a lot. Death. Not in some sick morbid fashion, but because I have never lost anyone close to me. I fear that pain.

At the risk of making myself vulnerable, I guess this is more of a confession of my greatest fear in life. It isn’t “what’s next” that scares me. Death is also my biggest fear because I am afraid of not having an impact during the time I was given. How many people’s lives will I have changed? If I could get close to the number of people that have helped change mine, I can be satisfied.

As I fly a lot, I sit listening to my iPod and just picture the faces of those that mean the most to me. I think of the incredibly lonely nights I have spent walking the halls of a hospitals worried about my family. Yes, God is there. Yes, God saw me through thse times. Well, forgive me for being human and a weak one at that. But sometimes, His presence didn’t even feel like enough. That is entirely my fault and a lack of trust and faith. It is a real good thing that God doesn’t get easily offended.

There are plenty of situations that arise in life that we have never experienced before. And often times, we don’t know how to deal with them until we’re faced with a decision. Recently, I was reminded of the family that I personally will always hold dear to my heart. I don’t remember their names. I am not even sure I would recognize their faces if I passed them on the sidewalk. But it was the couple who had given birth to a little baby boy. This amazing child of God was placed near our quadruplets in the neo-natal intensive care unit. While I was struggling pretty bad with doctors in keeping Liz alive, literally, and making sure that my God-given children were surviving and trying to find time to see my other son, this family was losing theirs. It rocked my world inside. And obviously still does. I was there the night they said good-bye. I heard the sobs from a fellow father and didn’t want to imagine what he was going through. Though he was here for a short time, that little man had already made an impact that will go on.

At the end of a long life, we tend to celebrate a life that we see as fully-lived. When we think someone was taken from us early, we mourn our loss and want to question God. People are incredible. But God wanted us. He wants us to love Him…so really, its all His fault. All this complicated mess…all for love. And I get it. The other day, I was on a business call at home. I was on the phone a good 30 to 35 minutes answering questions and discussing some future plans. Anyways, I hang up and look over. There, sitting in the floor, was Logan. He wasn’t saying a word or being rowdy. I asked him what he was doing. He looked up at me with some piercing brown eyes and said, “I was trying to be quiet for you, Daddy. I just wanted to sit here with you.” No lie.

Moments come and go. Some we hold onto and others, we desperately want to forget. We are all made up of a series of moments. That same boy was sitting at the table tonight and got sick. He just looked so worried and helpless. He’s good to go now. But it was another moment to be dad and not just father.

Anyways, so I get worried about missing out. I am scared to lose. What’s a good cliche here…”I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.” And yes, I know God will sustain me. Just being me for a moment…