Honduras: Small Country, Big Need

 To Whom It Should Concern:

Last August, I had the opportunity to go to Honduras on a mission trip with  people I hardlyknew. The trip was designed to prepare property that was bought to build Promise Home, an orphanage for abused, neglected, and forgotten children. While there, we had the opportunity to share the reason for hope to kids and families in public schools. I have recently been asked to return this year, with the same church, now our home church, to continue the work. This year, we are taking two different groups that will focus on the children of Honduras. During both trips, the construction of Promise Home Orphanage will make some great headway. Promise Home will be built over the next few years and we have committed to taking as many trips necessary to see that these kids have a safe place of hope ad love. The first trip arrives July 18^th the second trip arrives July 25^th. 

Our group is sponsored by North Texas Missions (NTM), which is a non-profit, 501(c)3 Christian organization from Frisco, Texas. North Texas Missions has been leading mission trips to Central America since 2005 and in 2006 embarked on the mission to build Promise Home Orphanage in Honduras. More info can be found at www.northtexasmissions.org

While in Honduras, we will stay at a local orphanage serving as our base camp for the week. Each day we will break into teams and go to a local village. One team will conduct a full Vacation Bible School during the morning at a local school, and then conduct a Sports Camp in the afternoon. Through this, we will have the opportunity to impact the lives of thousands of children throughout the week. The second team will spend the day at Promise Home Orphanage working on variety of construction projects as they prepare to begin receiving hundreds of abused and abandoned children. Additionally, we will also go into the villages to distribute rice and beans as a way of showing our support for the community and looking for opportunities to share God’s love. The true purpose of this trip is to meet the community’s physical and spiritual needs by sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Through the Vacation Bible School, Sports Camps, and evangelism teams we will be providing short messages to everyone about how God loves each one of us.  Last year, two things occurred that made my trip memorable for the rest of my life. The first incident happened on the second day. The team member that was leading the sports camps tossed me a soccer ball as we were loading up the bus for the day to head back to our base camp. After I caught it, he looked at me and told me to go back into the school and give the ball to the principal. As I walked back through the school yard, I had kids of all ages practically hanging on my arms begging for the ball. I made it to the door and the principal greeted me there. He looked down at the ball and then back at me…he started crying as I handed him the brand new soccer ball. It was a soccer ball!!!! And yet, it could have been a feast. I will never forget the look of true humility and thankfulness in the man’s eyes. The second event that took place was personal. I was broken, physically. I got severely dehydrated. But through being cared for by others and being forced to rest, I had a chance to listen to God…something I hadn’t taken time for in a long time. It took me flying to another country to make time for God. I refuse to find myself in such a rut again. I am returning this year to share the same love I felt my last time down.

The reason for my letter is that I would like two things from you. First and foremost I need your prayers. It’s through the power of prayer that my trip will be safe and successful. In addition to prayers, I am asking those that are able to support my trip financially. The cost of the trip is $1295.  

There are two methods to donate if you are able to give. You can pay online through Google checkout by going to http://www.genesismetro.org/support.asp?name=DonnyDixon or you can write a check payable to Genesis Metro Church Honduras 2009, include my name on a separate sheet of paper so that your donation is tax deductible. Any help you can provide is greatly appreciated.

So in advance, I just want to say thank you for your prayers and any financial gift you can provide. Upon my return I look forward to sharing with you the impact your support made on my life as well as the children of Honduras.  Please feel free to call me if you have any questions!

In The Grip of His Grace,

Donny Dixon
469-386-2269

 

Here is the address to address your envelopes:

Genesis Metro Church, Honduras 2009

3101 Nighthawk Lane

Little Elm, TX 75068

Whose Serving Who?

Tonight, Liz is back in the hospital. She returned there this evening after being doubled over all afternoon with major abdominal cramping. I don’t know if this stems from her previous surgery or an infection she picked up or what. But, nonetheless, the only woman I know personally that has been through so much, was in tears due to the pain.

In an episode of Seinfeld, George talks about having “hand.” He wanted to be in control of his relationship with the woman he was dating at the time. Well, tonight, I have been fighting God for hand. I want to basically yell at Him and tell Him all the ways in which He has let me down over the last four years. But how quickly simple-minded-Donny forgets that everyone is still here. Has not everything worked out? In the end, hasn’t there always been an answer?

NO! The answer is no. I continue to find myself here alone. I go upstairs at night and watch the kids breath. As a Christian, I am suppose to have their “child-like faith.” I have forgotten how to do that. Life has gotten complicated, hard and flat-out exhausting. I am tired of worrying, stressing, freaking out, feeling alone, and expected to plug forward with the hope that God has the answer. And the best part is, I actually know He does. But the battle is the timing for such a revelation.

See, I want God to heal Liz now so that all of this back and forth to the hospital will stop. This afternoon, while she was laying in the bathroom floor, crying out in pain, I was looking in the medicine cabinet for something I could give her to help. The number of red bottles from Target pharmacy is just ridiculous. I am a daycare worker and a drug dealer. Oh, and can help you get your own pizza place.

I am just beaten down by the unknown. And I know everyone gets there sometimes, but I am tired of visiting this place so often. I want to tell God what to answer, when to answer, and how to answer. I want Him to know how bad it hurts and how tired of His plan I am. I want to yell and fight Him like some stupid, spoiled brat of a child. But, despite my own immaturity, something heart-breaking and heart-warming happened tonight.

While showering tonight, with almost scolding-hot water beating the back of my neck, as if it was actually audible, God said to me, “I am here for you.” I get chills even remembering that very moment. I knew what He was saying. It told me that He knew how I felt and what I wanted, but that He would see me through. Often times, I don’t want there to be something to be gotten through. Sometimes I want just a simple routine; boring even. But I am not about to take the route of George Bailey in ‘It’s A Wonderful Life.’

Now on the flip side, if I am going to rant and rave about how I feel like God has left the situation, I also see His work in so many ways. Tonight, I fed the kids, bathed them, and put them down for the night. There was the awesome ‘life’ conversation I had with Logan, Hudson’s eyes staring back at me while I dried his hair, Madison’s blue eyes as she smiled back at me when I asked her if she wanted her bear when I tucked her in, the hugs (yes, multiple) that Candice gave me when I knelt down beside her bed before tucking her in, and then the way that Samantha’s hair fell down around her face as if she was an angel sent directly from God’s mail room. If I serve no other purpose on the face of this earth than to be a better dad for those kids, I accept.

So, I backdown. I am returning the reigns to the creator of the universe. I am sure that my stubborn-self will ask for them back, just to give them up over and over and over again. At least He knows I am predictable. In all of this, I am not trying to dumb-down God’s authority, His ability or His love. What I am saying is that I am so selfish that I sometimes want God as my own personal puppet when that is the exact opposite of my reason for even existing.

God, I am just very tired. And I don’t want to live this way any more. Help me to truly lean on your strength and understanding. And please be patient with me, I have a long ways to go before it becomes natural.

Four Years In

Have you ever been somewhere or been with someone so incredible that you truly wish that moment would never end? Or better yet, do you know what it feels like to be blessed more than you deserve? Welcome to my world.

Tomorrow will mark four years since the day my life got turned upside down, for the better. I remember being in the delivery room and watching as the doctors removed four very quiet human beings. Because they were delivered so early, they didn’t cry. They wouldn’t even open their eyes until a couple of weeks later.

That day, I left Liz in the hospital room to recover, while I went down to the NICU to check on the quads. There was so much commotion and lots of doctors and nurses. I actually stood in the doorway of Pod 1 and had a ‘come to Jesus’ moment. Talk about a real-life gut-check. At that instant, I was too overwhelmed to be scared. Life got real hard for awhile…

From that doorway, to my left, was Hudson Pierce. He is the only boy of the quads. My oldest now had a brother. This wimpy white boy (it’s what the nurses call preemie white boys due to the amount of trouble most white boys have when born so early) was a fighter. He weighed the most at birth. He was the first one to open his eyes. There were times when the nurses would combine all four kids in a crib together to help calm them. This process worked well for Hud. He always loved being in tight with the girls. Today, Hudson needs more help. There are several major issues that we will be facing with Huddy over the next several years. Some will be serious and severe, while others will be regular ole parenting of a boy. His big blue eyes staring back at me from his car-seat while going down the road…God gave up something very special in letting me be Hud’s dad for awhile here on earth. Thank you, Lord, for using Hudson to teach me and grow me.

To Hudson’s right was Madison Paige. I watched Madi a lot. She just seemed to know when I was at her side. Her left hand was the first hand I touched out of any of them. One day, I was told to try and slide my wedding ring over Madison’s hand. Well, not only did I get her hand to slide through, but I slid the ring allllll the way up to her shoulder. Just crazy. Today, Madison is my blue-eyed girl. I love brushing her hair after bath time. Her blond hair is so gorgeous. One night, I was brushing her hair after drying it with the blow-dryer. The other kids had already gone to bed. Madi was facing me with her eyes closed. The girl all but fell asleep! It was so sweet. She is so quiet and sensitive. I am learning to be better with her. Madi is THE drama queen.

Next was Candice. Miss Candice Bailey. Wow. Some might classify Candi as ‘daddy’s girl’. I have spent so much time in hospitals worried about her that I can’t help but have a special attachment to this daughter of mine. Remembering the days of monitor-watching in the NICU to trying desperately to get her trache back in. One of the last times I had to do it, I had blood all over my hands. I remember pleading with God inside my head that that chapter would never have to be relived. Waiting for her to get out of surgery on Christmas Eve, waiting for her to get out of airway reconstruction surgery, and giving her countless breathing treatments as I watched her lungs struggle to fill with air…it just flat out hurts. Today, when Candi gives me hugs, well, no one holds on tighter than Candice.

And then there’s Samantha Lacy. This gorgeous daughter of mine was the very first one of the quads I held. I cried for a solid 10 to 15 minutes. Sam is my hang-out daughter. We watch movies together or even sports. She is independent and strong and vocal and bossy and tough. She is my brown-eyed All-American girl. Sami makes me so proud. She and I WILL have our rough patches, but the great times will far surpass the two strong wills competing for a win.

A prayer for the year to come:

God, I love you. God, I need you. God, I thank you. I love you for being a big enough God to carry me when I fail. I am still learning. Please keep working on me, to make me what I ought to be. I love you for showing me what love is. I love you for loving me first. I love you for your trust in me. I love you for being you.

I need you cause I am still searching for answers. I need you to remind me that you are still here. I need you for continued strengthening with patience, self-control, understanding, being kind and gentle. I need you because I am weak, slow, and stubborn. I need you because I don’t want to try and be the father of these four gifts without you.

I thank you for blessing me beyond belief. Thank you for setting the example. Thank you for Hudson, Madison, Candice, and Samantha. Thank you for the impact they have already had on me and my life in only four years. Thank you for stretching me, growing me, and using me. Thank you for adding to my life’s purpose.

God, to create such incredible children, you truly are THE God of love…In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

I hope that if you know my kids, that they have helped to make you smile. If you don’t know them, I hope that you have someone in your life as special as these kids are in mine. Life got a WHOLE lot better four years ago.

I love you, Hudson. I love you, Madison. I love you, Candice. I love you, Samantha.

I Am Unique, Just Like Everyone Else

Earlier this evening, I was driving back home from the hospital. The sun was in its final hour of appearance. In the rear-view mirror, all I could see was darkness approaching. Where as, in front of me, the sunlight was piercing my retina. Even with my sunglasses on, my eyes had the desire to close. With all that has transpired this last week, with Lady GaGa blaring on the radio and with all my many thoughts chasing their own rabbit trails, I got a little lost in life tonight.

As I sit here and try to type out what is going on inside my head, I begin to  confuse myself. I am beyond wallowing. I am done with wondering and asking why. Sometimes I wonder if life scares me more than death. The pressures mount on a daily basis. Here’s the kicker about life though. Everyone is going through this. Everyone has things they are working through or dealing with or not dealing with. When everyone is living a life with stresses, pressures, and burdens, is it any wonder there is so much pain?

But by the same token, don’t the thrills in life far outweigh the spills? Today, I was up at the hospital visiting Liz for a few hours. We would carry on a conversation for a few minutes and then she would begin changing the channels on the TV. I’d be watching as each channel passed until she stopped. She didn’t stop because she found a show she wanted to see, but rather because she had fallen asleep on that station. This is a routine I have become accustomed to. Well, on the drive home tonight, I realized that my life was reflected in that scenario. I am so tired much of my life anymore that I ‘fall asleep’ just to later realize I hadn’t moved on.

Someone not too long ago asked me how I was able to make it through such times. They understood that Liz was the one in all the pain and having to go through surgery after surgery. They got the fact that the kids have already been battle-tested in this life. But, they were asking me how I managed to be the head of the family during all these different times when life hits back and hits hard. And the answer is, thankfully, very easy. Ready for this?…”I don’t.” Seriously. Do you really think that I can handle five kids on my own, with my wife in the hospital for three days, trying to learn a new job, attempting to attack the number of medical bills in front of us, traveling a lot, and all the while, attacking selfishness? Thank God that the good in my life far outweighs the bad.

The other day, I was at the Denver airport. There was a snow storm blowing through and so everyone was talking about whether or not we were going to make it out. I began talking to this woman seated behind me at the gate. God came up in our conversation. At some point, I said, “Yeah, well, it all goes back to our purpose for even being here on Earth.” Her response back was, “You know, I often wonder that. What am I doing here?” Went on to find out that her parents are Muslim, but that she really didn’t believe in anything and started trying to bait me into a “philosophical” conversation. She was a bright woman who talked fondly of her family, but yet, seemed to be missing out on some serious love that nothing on this planet can give her. I am thankful for that in my life.

So the night has come. It is another night of Warren Bernhardt (jazz) and peace within the house. Tomorrow, well, it will be another tiring and trying day. In the morning, I will give five baths, dress five kids, give all five breakfast, get showered and dressed and out the door with everyone and to church by 10:30. How do I do it? I don’t. Not alone, anyways. Life around here refuses to slow down, despite surgeries, Hudson’s biting, or my own insecurities. I’ll keep eating my Toasted Corn Doritos and salsa, while downing a bottle of Mountain Dew at 11:00 pm.

Bed time…

What Are We Doing Here?

A few weeks ago, my mother-in-law shared with me a statistic that she had heard. The average life expectancy of a white male is 73. On average, if I can avoid some genetic weakness, drunk-drivers, and self-inflicted illness, I have less than 8 decades to make this life worth the cost that was paid. And no, that’s not a religious agenda.

It has been a little over a month since I have been on here to turn my sleeve into words. There have been times when I have wanted to get on here and just angrily yell about life. And then there were times when I wanted to jump on here to cry about mole hills and spilled milk. There’s not a single person on this Earth that doesn’t have ups and downs. The dynamics of life prevent us from living on a mesa for our entire existence.

Tonight, I have issues on my heart that are trying to take up residence. I have harbored them there for far too long. And really, it is all my fault for allowing them to exist. Maybe I can “talk them out” and do the proverbial “moving on.”

1.) I am a very people-oriented person. I have this need to be around people all the time. The key is choosing the right people I want around me. And what I don’t need are people around me that say things to make their life a little easier. When it’s time to shut-up, just go ahead and close your mouth. Don’t tell me what sounds good to you. Just because you think its right doesn’t mean I should except it as truth. There was an incident some time back that caused me to bite my tongue and part ways. I am absolutely guilty of this same action. But to look me in the eyes and spew your own conclusions about my life…don’t expect a Christmas card.

Now, don’t hear me say that I am opposed to learning and growing through the instruction of others. I am totally game for doing what it takes to live this life a little fuller. I don’t have things all figured out by age 30 and can guarantee you that at 73, I’ll be in the same boat. But by then, I’ll be in the stern as opposed to the bow, playing “king of the world.” Life is serious and hard work…wonder if I’ll have those same thoughts in another 43 years, if I am that lucky.

2.) This is going to be hard for me to talk about. I am not real good at dealing with deep fears. I am scared and I hurt. First, let me lay this out for everyone to see…I love my youngest son, Hudson Pierce. The other day, we received a letter that caused us to see something in print that we hadn’t read before. A doctor had unofficially diagnosed Hudson with cerebral palsy. *gulp* “God, really? ” We have thought this for a long time, but to finally see it down on paper from a doctor, just caused a serious lump in the throat. That night, I found myself laying beside him staring up at the ceiling. I was making funny voices with his bear…but really what I was doing was pleading with God. Not that He would take this away from Hud and help him to be a “normal” little boy, but that He would help me to love Hudson the way I needed to. God didn’t cause Hudson to have this as an issue to tackle. In fact, no one caused it. God did allow it to happen and it is my goal to learn from the boy. He has already begun teaching me how to love differently.

“God, help me to be patient with my son. You have entrusted this little dude in our care and I want to do my part to help mold him into the man you want him to be. And God, grant me peace. The unknown with Hudson, at times, feels overwhelming. As his father, please guide me as I guide him. God, most of all, thank you for letting me be Hud’s dad. Amen.”

I continue to find life pretty ridiculous. You wake up one morning, everything seems to tracking pretty normal, and the next moment, you find yourself surrounded by circumstances unseen due to personal blinders. We all want what we want. Its pretty interesting how those wants change as your grow up and/or older.

One last thing and then I’ll quit. And I have talked about this before, but it has really been on my mind lately. There are two major issues, that really coincide with one another, that are becoming an absolute epidemic today; loneliness and the lack of communication. I am not talking about remedying these issues by surrounding yourself with gobs of people and being a straight-shooter. But so many people, myself included, are so cautious about sharing their heart at the risk that the listener is going to reject them or even worse, judge them. I know that I have done the rejecting and judging. I am wrong for doing that. But as I have been on the other end, I really hope that I can get better at hearing people for where they are. God never said, “Come as you are, well, after you get your act together.”

What in the world am I doing here? My life is ridiculously full of blessings. What a waste if I were to chalk it up as coincidence. Life is bigger than I am, but I refuse to be intimidated by it.

The Front 30

What a ride! Thirty years ago, I came into this world screamin’ and hollerin’. And you know, for being such a monumental moment in my life, I have zero recollection of that day. Since that day, I have lived a semi-charmed life. I wanted this post to be another trip down memory lane for me. I want to start with the bad and end with the good. Many of these events have absolutely shaped me into who I am now and will serve as a launching pad to be a better man in the years to come.

I remember the wood-pecker that was shot in our front-yard on Thanksgiving Day on Valley View Drive in Knoxville, Tennessee.

I remember how on another Thanksgiving, my papaw told my brother and I that he was going to get us coon-skin caps like Davy Crockett had, for Christmas. Papaw never made it to Christmas…I still have the coon-skin cap today.

I remember our first year in Brazil when we got the phone call that my uncle had been murdered. I hurt like never before for my mom…

The loneliness I felt in ‘94-’95, while we were on furlough for 11 months in Louisville, Kentucky.

The time I was sitting in the window on the 1oth floor of our apartment. Sadly, I was “contemplating” life. The only place where there is light at rock-bottom is up.

The fear I felt the night Liz had major surgery; four days after the quads were born. I had never been so desperate for God to reveal Himself.

I hurt as I recall the time I held my dad as he cried after losing his mom.

Then there was the time when I was sitting at my aunt’s house in Tennessee, talking to mom and dad on the phone, who were back in Brazil. I was crying on the phone…I missed them so much.

I remember the nights in the hospital when Liz was in ICU and the quads were in the NICU and Logan was with grandparents. And yet, people still question prayer…

All of these moments hurt my head and throat as I try and hold back the tears. I hate all those times, but they have helped me to gain some serious perspective on life. At 30, I am able to look back and learn something about those times. Sometimes, the lesson learned is from the event itself and then other times, I learned from those that were around me at the moment.

Now, for those moments when life couldn’t have been any better.

Riding my big wheel down the long driveway and jerking the wheel sharply to the left and sliding sideways into the garage.

Going to my first Tennessee football game with dad.

Getting into all kinds of trouble in the small civil war town of  Waddy, Kentucky.

Having a very serious life talk with dad on top of that hill above the beach in Sao Luis, Maranhao.

Working the concession stand with my mom after my soccer games.

Traveling around Brazil by myself at 18.

Asking Paul to repeat the words during our wedding ceremony cause I could only remember two at a time.

…holding Logan Chase Dixon for the very first time in my arms. It’s like he knew who I was…

…seeing Hudson Pierce Dixon open his eyes for the first time; weeks after he was born…

…watching Madison Paige Dixon breathe in and out. I watched her so closely…

…letting Candice Bailey Dixon hold on to my finger. She hasn’t let go since…

…taking Samantha Lacy Dixon into my arms. I held her first…

Being so proud of my brother as he serves in the United States Navy.

Knowing that my parents…are proud of me……………………………………..

The truly greatest part of my life today, at age 30, is that God has surrounded me with a cheering section made up of people from all over. I am not any more deserving than anyone else. Lord knows I have hurt too many people along this so-called life of mine. I have disappointed and saddened too many loved ones. But they have looked past my flaws, insecurities, and problems. I am here today, despite myself.

There is only one way I feel old tonight. Typically, when a person has lived the life I have and has such a large group of people to thank for that, they are on their way out. Me? I feel like I have just begun. I don’t know what is next. And frankly, I don’t really want to know. There will be plenty of hardships and unbearable pain. But there will also be plenty of blue sky moments.

Over next to me is a picture frame. It is full of family pictures. The words on the large frame hit home tonight. It reads,”Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.”

 

God,

Thank you for giving me life. Not just breath after breath, but true life. You have blessed me beyond what I know to ask for. I am sorry for getting in your way far too often. Please don’t give up me. Keep pursuing me. I don’t deserve it, but please bless my life over the next 30 years like you have the last 30. I love how you can be the lion and the lamb. Help me to be better at everything that my heart is into…but may my heart be into everything that you have blessed before me. And sorry for not saying it enough…I love you……………

Amen.
Yeah,…what a ride….

Year In Debut

What is so great about a new year? Why do we make such a fuss over putting up a new calendar or making resolutions? It is just another day. If something is so important to us that we have to declare that we now have the resolve to see it through, shouldn’t we start it immediately, rather than waiting for some special starting point?

I am all for getting together and playing games or going to a concert or even mixing it up with strangers in some downtown location, but to “start fresh” doesn’t fit with me. Today’s go-get-it attitude generation wants to do things new and fresh and loud, and yet, often times we cling to certain traditions that have been done for centuries.

To move forward and to leap from this ledge of uncertainty, I have been going through my own slide-show of 2008. I am not who I once was. I do things now that mean a little more to me. I laugh more than I ever have and I cry more than I ever have. I struggle so often now. I talk to God like He knows me. And I notice things now that I used to miss.

This last year, Liz has had several surgeries and procedures. I feel like my clothes should have that sterile hospital smell in them by now. I have sat in plenty of hospital chairs, listening to doctors talk to family members about their loved one. I have answered the waiting room phone so many times, just to have to yell out some other last name. I have talked to doctors in several different specialities and to their nurses telling them this and that about Liz and her situation; just hoping they will listen to me. As a running joke with family and close friends, my new nickname has become Dr. House because I often times know what I am talking about, but I arrogantly annoy everyone around me in the process. The year that I’ll never see again has taught me to be more patient. People have bad days. Shoot, people have great days. Why add to their bad day or ruin their good day? Just because it has taught me to be more patient, doesn’t mean I always am. I have got to get a grip.

There are some people upstairs right now that are life-changers. Please give me a moment to tell you about each of them, at this stage in their lives. Logan is four months from being 5 years old. The problem is, he’s going on about 14. Have you ever met anyone that you knew was destined for greatness. Being the biased dad that I am, my son is truly going to affect people for the rest of his life. He is already learning to be a great leader. Logan, your dad loves you and wouldn’t change a thing about you. Hudson is growing. He still is doing a lot of catching up with the others. But you see, the deal with Hud is that he doesn’t need a lot of book smarts or has to have what society deems necessary to be successful. My youngest son is sensitive to the point of being heart-warming. I really hope that Hudson finds a place in life to help those in need because he has such a sweet and sincere demeanor about him. Madison is my baby blue. I think Madison is such a sweet and cheerful little girl. She just loves being around and playing and singing. Madison doesn’t have a problem making friends. She doesn’t like to lead, nor is she a loner. Madison has that happy-go-lucky attitude about life. Candice continues to amaze me with where she is compared to where she could be. The other day, we were all out together as a family. I looked down and saw that Samantha was closest to me, so I reached for her hand. But about that same time, on the other side, I feel another little hand slide into mine. It was Candi wanting to hold my hand too. Heart-melting. Candice is amazing to me. She is hard-headed, yet so sensitive to anything having to do with emotions and feelings. Samantha is my homegirl. She likes to wrestle and go at everything hardcore. She’s the one that will sit with me the in front of  the TV when watching some sporting event. Kids, I love all of you. Thanks for cutting your dad some slack; more often than you should have to.

Some things happened over the last year that I will take with me forever. I had a breakdown/breakthrough this last year. I had to get away from everything in my day-to-day living to experience, but it happened nonetheless. My trip to Honduras with my church is a daily reminder of so much. I have been loved on this year like never before. I am tired of missing out due to my own wallowing. Not sure that self-pity looks good on anybody. I hope to live my life asking for help. There’s the saying that it takes a village to raise a child. Well, to say that adults don’t need help makes the assumption that by a certain point we are to have it all figured out. I am going to need some help getting through this year.

I am starting out the new year tired. Not necessarily physically. Just fairly spent. I am all for roller-coasters with 42 loops, but eventually, repairs need to be made. I am also starting out the year without a job. Well, I take that back. My first job of the year is to find a job. Out of my new job, I want to find passion, drive, and impact. I am ready to be successful. I am ready to look forward to each day. I desperately want to walk into a room and make a difference.

One thing I need help with is encouragement. I HAVE TO get better at this. I want to be there for friends. I want to love family deeper. And I want to help change a stranger’s outlook. I truly have a desire to let people know that the life God breathed into them has meaning, purpose, and blessings unopened.

The other night, I saw the movie The Bucket List. I am not going to give you mine tonight, but it did get me thinking about what’s next. Am I sitting and waiting or is it me against the world? Am I going to put up any kind of fight for the real ‘ethos’ of life?

Tonight, I am putting God on notice. I am no longer going to live a life of an apathetic Christian. I expect God to bless as He promised. I expect God to teach me so much about Himself this year. I am looking forward to really seeing all the little pieces come together to overwhelm someone else’s life. God, I love you. Please don’t forsake me in 2009.

Not The Soul Provider

How did I get here? And why here? Looking at where I have been, why has it led to this very moment? And a bigger question for myself humanly-speaking; how long will it take to get the answer?

Two things happen when so much has been stripped away. First, you have moments of panic and fear; the two are not the same. Panic is momentary, while fear is longer-lasting. What am I suppose to do? What am I suppose to be seeing that I am either too stupid or too blind to see? Am I missing something? It is during times like these when self-doubt and the sense of failure begin to creep in and infect everything you are. What kind of loser loses the only job his family of seven has right before Christmas?

The second thing that happens is the sense of freedom. This second emotion is fleeting due to the panic and fear. But, when you can grasp it, this freedom can instill a confidence and a drive that one didn’t know existed. This emotion brings with it moments of clarity and relief. God says that He has a plan for me and that He knows me better than anyone on this earth ever will. How can I do anything but trust the Creator of the freaking universe?

Tonight, I went for a jog in the cold December air. It was dark, windy, and a bit painful. I had the iPod blaring in my ears to block out my own thoughts. All I could do was focus on the loud music and the pain in my right side. I ran hard tonight. There were a couple of times when I even smiled at myself because it felt as if I was running from something. What was it that I was trying to shake?

I started thinking about my mom. I had this overwhelming feeling of missing my own mother. Let me tell you something, my mom is an incredible woman. Call it a mother’s intuition or a direct line to God’s desk, but she always knows when something isn’t right with me. My mom has the right words when I need them. She knows the right prayers to pray when I am hurting. And she knows when to hold me close and when to let me run. Mom, I miss you tonight. You have always been there for me. Even though you are far from me tonight, know that I feel your love and embrace. For 29 years, you have loved me and supported me and helped to mold me into who I am. Just know that I said a little prayer of thanksgiving for you tonight.

Though I am the one looking for a job so that our family can have the money we need, I am not the soul provider of this family. I just can’t provide the peace and comfort that my God can. Logan’s one line in his Alpha-Biblical Christmas play last week was “R is for Redeemer, born to save us all; Baby Jesus sweet and small.” I am going to let God retain that title. I am going to strive and push and work to be where He wants me to be. The opportunities ahead will be available to me, if I’ll just stay out of my own way.

As you probably can tell, these last few days have been so tiring. As I wrap this up tonight, I feel so drained. The Wallflowers song ‘One Headlight’ is playing right now. How appropriate! It does feel like I am making it down some windy road with just one headlight working…Still hurts to know that I am this disposable…

One Foggy Night

Tonight, I am in a brand new place. Never in my life have I had a wife and five kids and not had a job. If I had to come up with a title for 2008, it would be ‘Broken.’  This night just feels a little darker and the future appears so far away.

It is 12:23 in the morning. Within myself, I am restless, irritated, angry, and hurt. Sure, it’s business; the economy is in a tailspin; and there is no employer out there whose job is to fill the tummies of my five children or to pay medical professionals for caring for my wife. Nope; that goes smack dap on these skinny shoulders of mine. I was just expecting God to do more when I agreed to become the father of five.

Yes, I know. God is still God. He will provide. And yes, this may turn out to be an incredible opportunity. But as I sit here and stare at the Christmas lights in this dark and quiet home, I’m empty. I’ll get up in a few short hours to get the kids ready for school. I’ll look them in the eye and fight my hardest to now show my fear. I’ll smile and kiss them letting them know how much I love them. When really all I want to apologize to them.

God knows my heart. He knows I am expecting Him to really show up this time around. I have no reason to expect anything less. I have nothing left. I want my passion back. I need to fight. And I am ready to drive. I feel like I am tossing and turning and I’m not even laying down. I just don’t know. I was told that it wasn’t anything about me, but yet, it stings deep.

So, exactly one week from Christmas, I join the many other Americans looking for employment. This week has been an absolutely horrible week. And if it wasn’t for a few key people in my life, well,…anyways. I keep coming back to the same question,”What now, God?” I am afraid of what He has next. I almost feel like He is trying to find my breaking point.

                              “God, I am here. Here I am, God. WHAT?! I have nothing, yet I have so much. What is the right answer here? What do you want me to say? Fine…it’s your turn.”

The other night, I saw the movie The Perfect Storm; the story of three storms coming together in the same place. Seems pretty appropriate about now. It is Christmastime, time to spent with the family shredding gift-wrapping, drinking egg nog, and listening to the kids singing “Away In A Manger.” Liz is also still recovering from a surgery and still needs to see another specialist before the end of the year. And now, no job. I still think Hollywood has nothing on my life.

Right now, I am listening to Pat Green sing “Let Me.” I am done. I am done being too proud and arrogant. I need help. I am a 29 year old guy that doesn’t have much of a clue and can admit it. I have experienced so much of life over the last several years and no time to process any of it. I guess it is just time to shut-up. There are a lot of people that are facing bigger giants than what I have before me. Me being the cry-baby that I am, I just need a good cry.

Thanks for letting me freak out for a bit. If I can be selfish for one more moment…I really need your prayers right now.

 

….This is weirding me out. I was about to hit save when I looked over at the TV to see what song was playing…it is Tim McGraw’s “Let It Go”. The words are hitting a little close to home tonight…God’s not letting me stay down…

Unfounded Fear

Here I am. For now, anyways. Shortly, I’ll be somewhere else. We all will be. And then what? I am not necessarily asking this question from a religious basis, but rather, from a reactionary standpoint.

Recently, I saw the movie ‘The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.’ It got me thinking about something that I think about a lot. Death. Not in some sick morbid fashion, but because I have never lost anyone close to me. I fear that pain.

At the risk of making myself vulnerable, I guess this is more of a confession of my greatest fear in life. It isn’t “what’s next” that scares me. Death is also my biggest fear because I am afraid of not having an impact during the time I was given. How many people’s lives will I have changed? If I could get close to the number of people that have helped change mine, I can be satisfied.

As I fly a lot, I sit listening to my iPod and just picture the faces of those that mean the most to me. I think of the incredibly lonely nights I have spent walking the halls of a hospitals worried about my family. Yes, God is there. Yes, God saw me through thse times. Well, forgive me for being human and a weak one at that. But sometimes, His presence didn’t even feel like enough. That is entirely my fault and a lack of trust and faith. It is a real good thing that God doesn’t get easily offended.

There are plenty of situations that arise in life that we have never experienced before. And often times, we don’t know how to deal with them until we’re faced with a decision. Recently, I was reminded of the family that I personally will always hold dear to my heart. I don’t remember their names. I am not even sure I would recognize their faces if I passed them on the sidewalk. But it was the couple who had given birth to a little baby boy. This amazing child of God was placed near our quadruplets in the neo-natal intensive care unit. While I was struggling pretty bad with doctors in keeping Liz alive, literally, and making sure that my God-given children were surviving and trying to find time to see my other son, this family was losing theirs. It rocked my world inside. And obviously still does. I was there the night they said good-bye. I heard the sobs from a fellow father and didn’t want to imagine what he was going through. Though he was here for a short time, that little man had already made an impact that will go on.

At the end of a long life, we tend to celebrate a life that we see as fully-lived. When we think someone was taken from us early, we mourn our loss and want to question God. People are incredible. But God wanted us. He wants us to love Him…so really, its all His fault. All this complicated mess…all for love. And I get it. The other day, I was on a business call at home. I was on the phone a good 30 to 35 minutes answering questions and discussing some future plans. Anyways, I hang up and look over. There, sitting in the floor, was Logan. He wasn’t saying a word or being rowdy. I asked him what he was doing. He looked up at me with some piercing brown eyes and said, “I was trying to be quiet for you, Daddy. I just wanted to sit here with you.” No lie.

Moments come and go. Some we hold onto and others, we desperately want to forget. We are all made up of a series of moments. That same boy was sitting at the table tonight and got sick. He just looked so worried and helpless. He’s good to go now. But it was another moment to be dad and not just father.

Anyways, so I get worried about missing out. I am scared to lose. What’s a good cliche here…”I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.” And yes, I know God will sustain me. Just being me for a moment…